Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Becoming Dear Abby

As my book gains popularity I am continuing to get emails from women all over the country who want advice. From me! I'm surprised and flattered. Mostly I'm glad I am available and that there is a dialogue between women about their breakups. Post-breakup is a lonely time and not everyone is fortunate enough to have good friends to share their pain with. And even if they do,I know that sometimes it feels good to be able to share your problems with a stranger (that would be me in this case). I'd like to think, though, that to the women who have bought the book and have read the book and have reached out to me for advice, I am not a stranger at all. After all, my book reveals all of the mistakes I have made in the past with men and all the lessons I have learned about myself. In the book I talked about my verbally abusive baby daddy, unfaithful boyfriend and young lover. Seriously, I have shared with my readers. And now they are sharing with me. So I have taken the time to actually answer the emails that come in from women who are having relationship issues and want to know what to do. Since they actually took the time and logged into my website and let me know what is going on with them I figure it's the least I can do. Some of the mails are veeery interesting. Here are just a few:

Anonymous from Chicago:
I believe it is all my fault. I know you may hear this ALL the time but please hear me out,or read me out(lol). I am known for self sabotaging relationships, jobs,and everything because I am so afraid. My last relationship has failed because I did everything in my power to ruin it, accidentally,on purpose. I mean that I would make myself unavailable when he did pursue me and now I am sad because he has given up on me. I want to rectify this situation. If I cant get this one right, please tell me how to make it better if there is ever a next time. Thanks!
P.S.I really need help because after so many failed relationships and encounters I have to step back and say,ok,what am I doing wrong?

Dear Anonymous From Chicago:
Hope you are well. Thanks so much for reaching out to me and sharing your situation. I am sorry to hear you are having troubles but the good news is that you seem aware of your issues and challenge in relationships: FEAR! You are scared, girl. Scared to be hurt and I can't blame you. Heartache is painful and when we love someone we are essentially taking a chance, and there are no guarantees. Funny thing is I recently started dating a guy I met online and he is so perfect I found myself getting scared too because I can really see this thing going somewhere, as he is sweet and spiritual and we have a lot in common. But I started getting suspicious and saying mean little things to throw him off as a way of saying "If he really likes me, this won't matter etc." Luckily I caught myself before it was too late and actually confessed to the guy that I was scared. And I was able to do this because I realize and I hope one day you will too----THERE IS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF! Love is like air there is always more. You can't ever waste your love, there is always more so don't be afraid to share it. And don't be afraid of getting hurt because if someone hurts you they really only end up hurting themselves.

I must mention though that your self-sabotaging may also come from a feeling of being unworthy and undeserving of a real good true strong love. If this is the case you have to figure out why. Look into your past relationships with men and family members and even friends and really try to see why you don't think you deserve love. Maybe there is something about yourself that you do not like that you need to change or embrace.

It sounds like you miss your boo and I do hope you two can reconcile, especially since it was you who messed everything up. But before you reach out to him with a sincere apology please take some time and ask yourself the hard questions. You may even want to visit a therapist since it seems this issue with self-sabotage is also affecting other parts of your life like your career which is very serious.

Please keep in touch to let me know how you are doing.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Anonymous from Atlanta:
I been married for 17 rocky years. And I am no longer in love with my husband. He has a problem with alcohol and putting all friends before me and his children. Me and my girls have done vacations, dinner, and outings alone over the years. The times that he's gone with us he's either rushed us or just generally wasn't happy. When he would hang out and drink he would come home and was very verbally abusive. He's asked me for a divorce several times over the marriage and when I got ready to file and he was sober he would apologize and make empty promises. In the past he's told me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. He has even put us out of the house and I stayed with my father for two weeks with the girls. Since this has happened two years ago I fell short because I was so unhappy and I fell in love with this other guy. I've told my husband about it and told him I wanted a divorce. He has begged and threaten for me to stay. Now he wants me to give him a chance to make up for the 17 years. He's been around constantly. He wont go out with friends. He's ordered phone records on my cell to see if I'm contacting him. He's even put a recorder in my car to hear my conversations. He's there now for drop off pick up for kids and family outings. And now he's making me feel bad to leave because now he's all for the family now and he tells me how that would hurt our girls if we were another statistic of divorce. I know he's only made this change after 17 years because of the situation because he's told me that he doesn't like rejection. He's threatened to text all my co-worker's in my phone about my affair and to come up to my job and cause a scene. The more he tries to be this perfect helpful guy now it irritates me because I still don't feel the same. He told me to give him the opportunity to make me fall back in love with him. Its been 8 months now for this trial and I don't know what to do. I miss the man I feel in love with but I left him alone because my husband rides by his house and takes pictures of the cars in driveway and he wants to hurt him and his little girl and family. Seriously what do I do??

Dear Anonymous From Atlanta:
Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your situation with me.I t sounds very complicated. I really don't want to tell you what to do because this is a very personal decision and one you must pray on. Still, have you met your Point of No Return? Do you really think the relationship is salvageable? If so work on it with patience understanding and forgiveness. If not, move on with your life and claim your happiness. The choice is yours. I must mention though that your husband sounds a little crazy with the following people and the taping of conversations and it could get ugly/dangerous if you do decide to leave. This does not mean you should stay out of fear but just know that if you decide to go, please be careful and smart so you and your daughters are protected and safe during the transition. Good luck! Please feel free to keep me informed on what you decide to do.

So as you can see I'm becoming quite the Dear Abby. I will continue to give advice to those who seek it as long as they remember that it's just that ---my advice. In the end it is ultimately their decision how they will handle their problems, if they will stay or go, if they will change or remain the same. I can only hope my advice will give them the strength and courage they will need no matter what.

If you have a question for me feel free to reach me here or on my website hesgoneyoureback.com


Anonymous from Atlanta said...

You really read my question?!! I can't believe it! I know you are busy but still you had time for me. Wow. What can I say? Thanks! I will heed your advice becasue after all the choic is mine. Thanks for pointing this out to me.

Anonymous said...

Yes you are the next Dear Abby!!!

Anonymous said...

Now I knwo where to go when I have relationship issues. Great advice, Kerika. Keep up the good work. We need you. Well at least I know I do.