Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Friends. For Real?

I've been a little under the weather the past few days--sleeping, praying, reading (check out this week's Book of the Week). So, I'm lying in the bed feeling sick and my phone rings. It's HIM. After two weeks of no communication (except for a feeble IM from him which I ignored) he calls. I was sick and dizzy and tired and picked up the phone without looking at the caller ID (I'll learn). He asked me how I was doing but it didn't take a genius--after hearing my tired voice and labored breathing--to figure out I wasn't doing well, at all. He sounded concerned and asked if there was anything he could do. I assured him I was OK for the most part and that my mom and daughter were on hand and being helpful. I thanked him for calling, told him to take care, hung up, and went back to sleep.

A few hours later, there is a knock on my door. My mom had gone back home and my daughter was with friends across the hall. Maybe she left her key, I figured angrily, and dragged myself to the door only to see--you guessed it-HIM- standing there, smiling. He was looking goofy and cute and oh, hell. I let him in and accepted my gift of warm peppermint tea and cookies. He said he couldn't stay long he just wanted to stop by--I didn't sound so good on the phone. I was cordial and polite and be fore I knew it we were talking like old friends--about his job, my company, his mom, my family. I must admit it was nice but a little awkward--I mean wasn't he the enemy? The guy who had broken my heart? Who met me, seduced me, made me love him then said some shit like he "wasn't ready"! Shouldn't I have spat in his face and slammed the door?

Oh my head was spinning. I wrapped up the visit and was relieved when he left. I can't lie, though, it was good to see him and to know that he gives a damn, even a little. But still. There's something that's not healthy here. After everything we've been through--the good and the bad--the fact that we could talk and laugh like friends was refreshing and frightening. Refreshing because it was good to see him and catch up. Frightening because I do still care for him but it's clear we cant be a couple so I really don't want to start stirring up old feelings.

Some people say out of sight out of mind but for me, so far, this has not been true. All I have been doing since our breakup is thinking about him and obsessing about the relationship (thus the blog--duhhrrr!!) And it's been working for me, for the most part. But still, that was when we weren't in communication, weren't calling each other and surely weren't visiting each other!!

So I guess what I want to know is--is it safe or smart to maintain a friendship with my ex? I mean, we have a lot in common, it's not like either of us cheated on each other (that I know of--hey!), or there was any kind of physical or verbal abuse. Just two people at different places in their lives. But can we--should we--be friends?


Anonymous said...

I definitely think that it is possible to be true friends with an ex. But it don't come easy. Time is definitely a factor. I wouldn't give any set number for time (6 mos, 1 yrs, HEll not even 5yrs). Openness and honesty are another factors. Be honest with with yourself. Do you still have feelings for this person? Well then I wouldn't advise friendship. I don't even know if it can really happen if the "FEEEEELINGS" are still there (and u know what kinda feelings I'm talkin bout). Cause' good friends talk about everything. Including, who their thinking about romantically, who they were lovin' last night, and who they want to be lovin' in the future. Can u hang with that!? Or can he hang with that? I've been in situations where I have no feelings for ex, think i got a friendship with him, and start sharing love life stuff and my so called 'friend' is hatin. HATIN' HARD! So be clear before you call an ex a friend. Be sure you are both ready.
I must say, being friends with my ex's have brought me much clarity. We talk about our past relationship openly. We give each other constructive criticism. We tell each other where we were great and not so great. I am a better woman because I am friends with some of my ex's. There are gift's in these special friendships that you cannot get elsewhere. Dada

Lydia said...

I do not recommend being "friends" with your ex. It can become complicated and hinder your healing process. Time is the true essence of moving on. It is necessary to detach yourself from your past relationship. Honestly, if you have moved on what is the reason for the friendship? To me, you need space from your ex to heal and grow from a relationships that really mattered. Not to mention the fact that most relationships are not equal to begin with. I have observed that, often times, one cares more for the other in the relationship. That creates problems within the relationship and after the relationship; especially if you want to remain friends. Sometimes the ex can be insensitive to the fact that there are STILL feelings there and on stupid comment or action can be hurtful. It could send you into a tailspin and what good is that.
I, obviously, have been hurt with past loves in a "friendship" and I have crumbled. I have gotten over lots of stuff and had to learn how to filter my emotions to remain positive in the negative situation of a breakup. However, time has proven to be helpful in being cordial to my exes and that's a much better place to end up, if the person is worth it.