HesGoneYoureBack.blogspot.com

October is Domestic Violence Abuse Awareness Month-Lisa Evers' Street Soldiers

2011-10-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

In awareness of Domestic Violence Abuse Month, Lisa Evers of Street Soldiers on New York's Hot 97 Radio Station hosted an informative, important show dedicated to this issue. I was honored to be one of the many distinguished guests invited to the discussion. For resources and support, listen in to the link below:

http://media.hot97.com/Podcasts/1999/ss_101611.mp3

RED FLAG PERFUME By CHANEL SNL parody

2011-10-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

This "commercial" is so funny but after I stopped laughing I realized the funniest things have a ring of truth to them. Someone once told me (jokingly???) not to let a guy know you're crazy until after you're married! But sometimes that's easier said than done...

My Summer Reading: Memoirs

2011-08-09T12:56:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. Every body's reading "The Help" this summer. And the recently released "A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-To-Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life" is a hot read right now, too. While I do intend to get around to these two tomes (and many others. And there are sooo many others! I'm especially anticipating curling up with a copy of Danielle Evans' critically acclaimed "Before You Suffocate Your Own Fool Self") it looks like they will have to wait until fall. Personally, reading memoir has been my motivation this summer. I intend to write my own memoir one day real soon and I figured the best way to get a feel for what works and what doesn't in this genre - what makes a good personal narrative that people want to read - is to, well, read some. So I have read some. And pondered them. And thoroughly enjoyed (most of) them. And written briefly about each below.

“Migrations of the Heart” by Marita Golden

Marita Golden is writer I could only ever wish to emulate. When reading her work her story comes through but so does her clear love for the written word. She constructs her sentences with care and uses the art of description to successfully transport the reader (me!) through her experiences as a college co-ed during to the civil right movement to an American living in Africa via marriage to a native man. Culture clash cannot begin to describe what she experiences but her admirable storytelling skills allow the reader to accompany her on the journey she willingly takes.

This book is told entirely in first person-there are no gimmicks, no shifts in perspectives, not fancy use of punctuation- yet it manages to completely engage by using anecdotes about her parents to enrich the story and explain why she is the woman she has become: rebellious, educated, determined, in love with love.

Reading this book from a writer’s perspective—as I did with each book - it was difficult to pinpoint exactly how I would “use” the techniques utilized by the authors to make my writing more effective except to just let it sink into my subconscious and hope it shows up on my page. Of course writing requires much more than that—passion, practice, accountability—all emotions which Ms. Golden describes here in detail, revealing that although she was in love with this man who took her on an adventure to Africa, ultimately it was her work, her her writing she loved and was therefore unable to compromise or compress it for her husband. Overall, this was a book that provided me with moments of sheer awe and admiration.

“Lit” by Mary Karr –The title of this book, I assume, has a double meaning. The author can be referring to “lit” as in 'she was drunk most of the time and reveals in this memoir how she fought her battle with alcohol'. Or she could be referring to “lit” as in a piece of literature, since the author is a well-respected poet and literature professor, was married to a writer and poet for years, obviously has a high regard for literature and is highly regarded in the world of literature. I’m assuming the title is a reference to both implications as the book itself is a two-in-one; a very well written memoir disguised as a self-help/how-to book on how to beat the bottle. There is not debating that Mary Karr is a great writer and although she can be candid I felt some of her sentences were over wrought, intentionally written to be impressive. And some of them are quite impressive. I was particularly impressed with her gift for metaphor. She made me acutely aware of how powerful a well-written, well-placed metaphor can be when describing a person, place, or situation. I intend to practice wiring metaphors myself and paying more attention to them in my own writing although unlike Ms. Karr, I am no poet. Nevertheless, reading her book, I discovered there are similarities in our stories. Women. Mothers. Writers. Academics. Lushes. Reading “Lit” reiterated the reality that anyone can relate to a well-written memoir. Each story is a human story, a human experience and even though the writer and I come from different backgrounds, her ability to share her humble past in contrast to her husband’s affluent reality was on point. Still I found her style of writing a bit scattered. She told the story in flashbacks and elaborated on some aspects of her family while totally avoiding others. But the writing was great so I kept turning the page although there really was no “story”—no suspense, no real plot. She was the main character and while I found her interesting I would have like to have known more about her father. To her defense she has written two previous memoirs so I can safely assume that she elaborated on both of her interesting parents in the previous books. There is only one way to find out! So I guess I’ll be reading more of her work. I just hope the others are not as long-winded and pointlessly pretentious and as this one.

“The Kiss” by Kathryn Harrison

A very skilled writer, she keeps it simple and just tells the story. Yes there are great sentences but she doesn’t seem to be “showing off’ with her writing abilities (as I found Ms. Kerr to be doing from time to time). She knows this is not necessary. I must admit I was struck by the way she never really totally blamed her father for the affair; after all it does take two to tango. And although he was older, they were both adults for the most part although she the much more naïve and impressionable one. Nevertheless, she takes responsibility for her actions. Told in first person, there is nor bitterness or blame here—there is just the story, the situation and the ramifications. I think the author’s choice to use first person was a wise one. She could have gone back and forth from the father’s perspective to hers but I think she understands that this is her story; this is what happened to her. Although admittedly she could have attempted to get into the character of the father’s head—what was he Thinking? What was his Problem? - she knows she cannot ever really answer those questions. She knows she can only answer her own questions. When considering my memoirs I was not sure which route to take—tell it from the mother’s perspective, my perspective? I even considered having one of my other siblings be the narrator. But in the end I can only tell my side of the story as I lived it and how it affected me. Obviously my mother’s perspective will differ from mine. Her side may actually be more interesting because she has the juicy details that only grown woman can accumulate. But, again, the story is about how her choices affected me as a child and as a woman. The book “The Kiss” helped clarify for me the reality that the best way to tell your story is to make no broad assumptions about other people’s motivations, to tell your own experience from your own perspective, because in the end that is all you really know.

“Floor Sample: A Creative Memoir” by Julia Cameron

I chose to read this book because I’ve learned so much from Ms. Cameron’s bestselling tome “The Artists Way” that I was sure her memoir would also be of great value. Not so much. Although she prides herself on being an artist (which she most definitely is: an author, screenwriter, playwright, songwriter, composer, workshop facilitator) it seemed to me that she told her story in a non-dynamic kind of way. Her wonderful life was complicated and even scandalous (she was once married to director Martin Scorsese and suffered through his affair with Liza Minnelli. Who knew?) But she is so matter-of- fact about it that I didn’t feel the true emotions of the situation. ‘I went here did this then this happened’, she shares. But I wanted to know what she felt! Even when describing the aforementioned affair she doesn’t really reveal what she was feeling. Obviously she was hurt, disappointed, humiliated, embarrassed (who wouldn’t be?) But obviously being betrayed brings up feeling of self-doubt and pain; a complicated perspective of one's life choices. She doesn’t divulge those details here she just moves forward with the circumstances of her life with no real explanation. She moves to L.A. then back to N.Y. then back again-- a victim of wanderlust. She moved so much I started to think that maybe she was crazy until—bam!! -- she has a nervous breakdown later in life after her second marriage fails without fanfare. Sometimes I felt that she was just putting the details down to full up the page, which was disappointing. I personally enjoy reading memoirs because I want to get to know a person better—not just what they did in their lives but why they did it. I will definitely keep that in mind when I make my attempt. More details of the emotional nature! Lastly, I never figured out why she named the book “Floor Sample”. She wasn’t a fashion designer. Did she feel like a work in progress? Something being sewn together piece by piece? She was never clear about this and neither was I, one more reason this book left me a bit dissatisfied.

Amy Winehouse 'Back To Black'

2011-07-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

She had a jazzy, unique voice. And a penchant for dark heartbreaking lyrics. What about that video for "Back to Black" where she attends a funeral--for hear heart?!!! So Sad. They say she died of an overdose but I think she died of a broken heart. I think she never really got over that damn Blake, despite her new guy. I'm mad that she couldn't move past it, at least long enough to make more of her soulful funky painfully beautiful music. But sometimes some people can't move past it and even though their hearts are still beating they are like the walking dead. Never able to love again. Can't trust anybody. Have to numb the pain. Like Amy, they walk on the dark side and stay there. So... repeat after me... again... walk towards the light. Or just fade to black.

How To Be Alone

2011-07-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

I love it when people use their creativity to express emotions and examine the many layers and stages of life. I love this!

Ledisi | Pieces Of Me [HQ]

2011-06-16T23:53:00.000-07:00

On the Radio

2011-06-07T10:31:00.000-07:00

This evening @ 6PM I'll be speaking with Sandra Beck on Motherhood Radio about life, love, and letting go!

We will be focusing on strategies for getting over Mr. Wrong. Visit the link to Listen In!

http://www.toginet.com/

Erykah Badu | Out My Mind, Just In Time (Movement One)

2011-05-31T19:08:00.000-07:00

Leave it to Erykah Badu to create a simple song that says so much.

"I'm a recovering undercover over lover...."- LOVE IT!!

The B---ch is Back!!!! Jill Scott - Shame (feat. Eve & The A Group)

2011-05-09T15:35:00.000-07:00

Finally, after a public engagement, then a breakup, then a beautiful baby boy, Jill Scott is back with her first studio album in years. I can't wait to hear the rest but for now this will have to do....

Sang it with me y'all:

"It's a shame! You're messing out on a good thang..."

He's Gone...You're Back! On 30 Rock!!!!

2011-04-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, that was my book Tina Fey tossed across the room in the opening scene of the last episode of NBC's 30 Rock.

For those of you who don't watch the show, the story line has Tina's character Liz Lemon in a tiff over the disappearance of Traci Morgan's character. So in her desperation she grabs a book out of the hands of two production people because they should be on a mission to find their star ---not sitting around reading some book.

But if you blinked you might have missed it!!!

So here's the link to the episode. Enjoy---but don't blink!!!(LOL!!!)

Hes Gone You're Back on 30 Rock

Let's Have a Conversation

2011-04-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

We have a fun and exciting blog discussing relationships inspired by the book He's Gone You're Back: The Right Way To Get Over Mr. Wrong written by Kerika Fields. Check out this blog by Sharlyn Pierre on rebounding and turning a loss relationship into a win. Feel free to twitter, repost on your blog, post on facebook and comment. We can be found at soulsofmysisters/facebook for additional super hot topics.

Jennifer Williams “Basketball Wives” Rebounding

EVA LONGORIA on Her Ex!!!

2011-04-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy week so far but last night I did manage to catch Eva Longoria on Piers Morgan (even though I missed her on Letterman--I told you I've been busy).

In addition to looking absolutely adorable (as usual) she was very candid about her breakup with her ex-husband Toni Parker. And although it was by no means the main focus of the interview--Eva talked about immigration and the Mexican-American community, her foundation for children with Down Syndrome, her new cookbook, her love for her family, and her addiction to Twitter-- she did speak on briefly on the subject:

She refuses to talk bad about her ex out of respect and yes! - love - for him.
She is in love with love and blames it on being a Pisces. (I'm a Pisces too and can totally relate. Wanna find a sucker for love? Find a Pisces woman. But that's a whole other blog).
She is currently dating Penelope Cruz' brother ---who is ten years her junior--- and is not apologizing for it!!!

What spoke to me the most is what she said about her painfully public breakup. In addition to admitting it was very hard and very challenging, she talked about the role her spirituality played in her recovery and revealed that her peace of mind comes from knowing "It was not about me."

I wanted her to scream this from the rooftops!!! So many women think breakups, divorces and bad relationships are about them and then there is this heaviness, this self-loathing. It's so sad because....SOMETIMES IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!! Sometimes the guy is not ready or not the one or stupid or damaged or WHATEVER.

So what, you say? So... it is important, even critical that women understand or "get" this so we can stop beating ourselves up, stop blaming ourselves and start to long and very hard process of getting up and moving on!

April is "He’s Gone You’re Back" Month!

2011-04-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

Celebrate April "He’s Gone You’re Back" Month!
Author Kerika Fields Launches Let's Have a Conversation Brought To You By Zestra

New York--April 1, 2011--

Starting today, we are declaring April He's Gone, You're Back! Month to celebrate all women who are surviving breakups and divorces and are seeking encouragement and support.

Kerika Fields and Souls of My Sisters have partnered with our friends at Zestra Essential Arousal Oils and created an interactive forum where women can share their stories, and most of all, learn from one another as a collective.

Visit http://www.zestra.com/ to learn more about the Let’s Have a Conversation Campaign.

The month will be filled with thought provoking conversations on relationships via blogs, video blogs, Facebook post, tweets on Twitter, podcasts, socials, meet ups for drinks or coffee, and the sisterly support. We are going to celebrate the heroes who have overcome a bad break up, get the celebrity relationship dish, hear from men on what constituted their decision to leave, and provide possible solutions for when you get back in the game. Follow us on twitter at @hesgoneyourebak.

Let’s face it, the end of a relationship is scary. But the best part of it all is that You Are Not Alone! We offer you a place where you can share your painful stories, reflect on your mistakes and triumphs, decide which direction you want to take going forward, and create new thought patterns. We want to hear your stories on everything about relationships, be the featured story of the day and receive comments and tips from some of the leading relationshsip experts.

"I am looking forward to having a conversation with women not just here in the United States but around the world through social media about letting go of past pain, and moving forward with their lives in positive and productive ways," said Fields.

Visit Kerikafields.com for more information on this groundbreaking breakup book!

And remember ..."He's Gone...You're Back!" is not just a book, it's a Movement!!!

Close Encounters of the WRONG Kind!

2011-03-22T04:29:00.000-07:00

A neighbor of mine had a get together this weekend and I decided to stop in to show my support. He always has great food, funky music, and an eclectic mix of people at his parties. Plus, he told me he'd invited some interesting single guys I might like to meet. So I couldn't go wrong, right? WRONG!!!

I'm standing by the window talking and mingling when I feel the side of my face burning. Someone is staring at me. I look around the room slowly and spot him: A handsome Spanish and/or Asian young man with big brown eyes,long eyelashes,and pretty almond colored skin. Once he realizes I've caught him staring, he smiles. I smile back. Before I know it he's crossed the room and is standing beside me talking, laughing, flirting. He's adorable but looks a little young so I inquire about his age. He tells me he's 22! I take a step back, literally. I mean, I know black don't crack and alla that. And I know that I can take a few years off of my actual age and actually get away with it, on a good day. But I also know that he HAS to know there is no way I'm anywhere near 22 and if he thinks I am, he's WRONG!!!

I'd be the first to admit I've dated my share of younger men in my day - but 22? Hells to the no! He WAS kinda cute, though, in a Mary Kay Letourno's-underage-baby-daddy-turned-husband-after-she-served-time-in-jail-kind-of-way. When he asked me for my phone number, I seriously didn't know what to say. I wanted to yell "Stand back Satan!!!" because he was adorable and attentive and I was totally tempted to give it to him. Thankfully, I listened to the voice inside my head that said "He may not know how old you are but You know how old you are" and declined to dole out the digits.

I had my eye on another guy, anyway: A handsome, mature looking brother with salt and pepper grey hair, a neatly trimmed beard, and light brown eyes. He had on one of those corduroy blazers with the suede patches at the elbow, was very intellectual looking, and I was intrigued. Maybe he was a professor. Or a philosopher. Or an engineer. He could have been a writer, right? WRONG!!! He was a Revolutionary Communist. For real. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just... as he was talking about the evils of the capitalist structure on which the American democratic system is built, I suddenly remembered: I want a man to cuddle up and watch movies with, not plot ways to execute the implementation of communist ideologies into the subconscious of the American masses with! I mean, the man was fine, but not that fine. Geez.

Still, I'm so glad I accepted my neighbor's invitation and attended the party, even though I didn't stay long. I had some great food, met some interesting albeit inapropriate guys, and actually enjoyed myself. And there's nothing wrong with that, right?

Looking for LOVE...at the LIBRARY!!!

2011-03-18T09:24:00.000-07:00

There was a time when you went to the library to look for a good book, or do some research for school, or maybe even grab a rental movie on the cheap. Or maybe you went to hear one of your favorite author's speak or to catch a seminar on starting a small business. Nowadays it seems local libraries are offering much, much more. Recently some libraries, in an incentive to attract more visitors in this, the internet age, have begun hosting speed dating events and singles mixers.

I have to admit when I first read about this phenomenon in the New York Times I thought it was a bit strange. Now, upon further consideration, not so much. Maybe meeting a guy at the library is not such a bad idea after all. Especially since in some instances, participants are asked to bring their favorite books to the event. So not only are you scoping a potential mate based on their physical attributes, you have an eye into their intellect, too. Also, there is an instant topic of communication: "What are you reading these days? Who is your favorite author?" Kinda sounds more promising than say, "What are you drinking?" doesn't it?

I don't know about you, but for me there's nothing sexier than a handsome man engrossed in an interesting book. I love to read and would love to meet a guy with a passion for the page, too. So maybe as spring approaches I'll keep my eyes out for any upcoming singles mixers at my local library. After all they say doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is a sure sign of insanity. So maybe it's time to stop expecting to meet men at parties or night clubs or bars. Maybe it's time to look somewhere totally unexpected--like the library!!!

Am I a Bad Friend?

2011-03-01T12:40:00.000-08:00

Awww....I feel a little bad. My good girlfriend called me last week and invited me to go to an after work singles mixer with her and I said no. I know. I know. I'm a bad friend. I actually really did consider going and knew we would have a good time I just...wasn't in the mood. Yes I am still single and am definitely open to meeting new guys, but it's kinda like not a priority for me right now. Don't get me wrong. If Mr. Right knocked on my door I wouldn't turn him away!! And I am also quite aware that I probably won't meet Mr. Right sitting in my house waiting for him to knock on the door. But that's just it. I'm not sitting around waiting;I'm just living my life. I'm actually happy and content even though I am currently single. It does happen. It is possible. Go figure!!! My good girlfriend...not so much. Her single status is a real source of pain and disappointment for her and I can totally relate. I have been there. I'm just thankfully not there right now. Which is probably why I didn't go to the singles mixer. I preferred to stay home and finally clean off my desk so I could get some writing done. Plus I'd been meaning to wash and dry my pillows and this was the weekend!!!

I really do believe in being proactive when it comes to meeting men--getting yourself out there, going to events where guys will be (Basketball games, golf tournaments, parties and of course singles mixers). But I also believe that sometimes some things are more important and if you are not doing what you need to be doing for yourself and taking care of your business, whatever that business may be, you're probably not going to meet anybody worthwhile anyway. So you're probably better off cleaning off your desk or washing your pillows.

Anyway my good girlfriend decided not to go to the event either and I was kinda disappointed in her. I mean you have to live life from where you are. And she is obviously at the place where she would really like to meet a nice man. In my opinion, she should have went to the mixer and I told her so. She probably would have had more luck if she went without me anyway, I mean we are grown women!!! We are not teenagers who need to do everything together, especially not looking for men. Duh!

Still, I apologized for not going with her and told her to let me know when there is another single's mixer. I even told her I might go with her the next time...but I didn't make any promises.

How to Be Your Own Best Friend- Beliefnet.com

2011-02-27T13:21:00.000-08:00

Living solo isn't easy!! But while you are waiting for your soulmate (and, of course, working on Yourself) there are ways to enjoy this time on your own. I found an inspirational article which touches on this topic and wanted to share it with you all! Hope it's helpful!!

How to Be Your Own Best Friend- Beliefnet.com

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

2011-02-14T04:57:00.000-08:00

Here's hoping that You are the Love of YOUR Life!!!

-Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Steve Harvey Ex Wife Response

2011-02-08T20:16:00.000-08:00

Watch Now! Author Kerika Fields responds to Steve Harvey's Ex Wife

Chrisette Michele - Best Of Me

2011-02-03T16:09:00.000-08:00

VIDEO FLASHBACK!!!!

from the "He's Gone...You're Back!" Playlist

Chrisette Michelle's "Best of Me"

The "He's Gone...Your Back!" Relationship Recovery Retreat

2011-01-09T19:47:00.000-08:00

Upcoming Events

"He's Gone...Your Back!" Relationship Recovery Retreat

February 12 - 16, 2011

We've added an EXTRA NIGHT at Jackie's on The Reef!!!

Workshop Fee

$1,200.

$600 in advance; $600 Upon Arrival in Jamaica

Fee Includes:

Transportation to and from Montego Bay Airport

Five Days & Four Nights at Jackie's on the Reef

Release and Renewal Workshops with Kerika Fields

Personalized Acupuncture Treatments with Kidada Fields

Two Spa Treatmentsof Your Choice

Breakfast and Dinner

Morning Yoga Classes

Hiking/Nature Walks

Afro Caribbean Dance

Sea Baths

Evening Solstice Cirlces

Rest, Relaxation, Reflection

(*$30 additional for Single Passengers; **Rooms are Double Occupancy)

SPACE IS LIMITED!!!!

BOOK NOW @ Jackie's on the Reef!

Call

718-469-2785

Bring your story, a desire to heal, a journal, a copy of "He's Gone...You're Back!", a swimsuit, and some light, white comfortable garments.

Let the healing begin!

Unlucky at Love? Find the Real Thing This Year

2011-01-03T14:11:00.000-08:00

Unlucky at Love? Find the Real Thing This Year

Blast from the Past

2010-11-08T07:31:00.000-08:00

This weekend an old friend from my neighborhood called me. She wanted to let me know that she had finally read my book and absolutely loved it. She admitted that she had initially got her copy as a way to show me some support---after all it's not everyday a girl from the neighborhood gets her very first book published. But she says she didn;t read it becasue at the time she didn't "need" to. She was happily married raising her two teenage children and all was right with the world. Until...her husband told her he was not happy and needed some space so he moved out. She later discovered he had moved in with another woman! She said all of this came as a total shock to her and she has been suffering and searching for sources of comfort and inspiration---so she finally reached for my book.

Well, I was sorry to hear about her marriage trouble and especially the fact that her husband had moved in with another woman. But what I was most sorry to hear was the guilt, disillusionment and despair I heard in my old fr end's voice. She was wracked with guilt but not about the failing marriage but her inability to "get over it". I had to tell her--don;t beat yourself up!! You have two children with this man, he is your husband. Of course you are going to be hurt. It's understandable that you have pain. But she insisted that since the marriage had already seen it's share of troubles, her husband was obviously a man with little integrity--a liar!!- she should be able to just let it go get over it already. She never pictured herself as a "needy" woman who would "die" without her man but this experience is showing her a new side of herself. She is sad and depressed and confessed she has even considered suicide. She is finding it hard to be a "strong Black woman" and I told her--good!! Don't be! Be weak and feel your pain and get the help you need. Stop thinking that just because you are Black and strong you are not supposed to feel any pain or if you do feel pain you have to grunt and bear it all alone.

I referred her to chapter 5 in my book "You Are Not Alone" so she can be reminded that woman have suffered and survived breakups since the beginning of time. She thanked me for taking time to listen to her story and promised to reach out again to me or to a pastor or a therapist if she continued to have self-destructive thoughts. I was glad I was there on the other end of the phone for her and sincerely wished her the best, thanking her for reminding me that although my book was published almost two years ago, people are still finding it powerful, useful and timely. It made me realize though that sometimes people just need someone to talk to and maybe I should make myself available for phone sessions. Hmmm.....more to come!

ADD Basement Jaxx' "Good Luck" to your "He's Gone...You're Back! Playlist"

2010-10-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have my book, you know I've listed a "He's Gone...You're Back!"Playlist in Chapter 6 which are just some songs that I thought would be great to listen to if you were going through a breakup. On my list there are everything from the urban classics ( Erykah Badu "Bag Lady") to the rock classics (Patti Smyth "Goodbye to You") and the 80's classics (France Jolie "Get Over You"). But since music is an organic, ever changing, always growing medium I've decided to add some songs to that list. So I'll be keeping an ear out for hot- ass, female empowering , funky, strong songs that will be sure to inspire. There are so many great ones out there in every genre! Most recently my homegirl Lydia, the ultimate music lover and a serious songbird in her own right, put me on to this song "Good Luck" by Basement Jaxx with amazing vocals by Lisa Kekaula and I must say: It's one of the best "He's Gone..You're back!" songs ever. Even the video is a perfect medium to express what so many women already know: Most times the guy you're pining over is a loser anyway! Ha!

Check out the video and lyrics below!!!

http://www.spike.com/video/good-luck-basement/2640976

For those of you who have forgotten...I'm also a PHOTOGRAPHER!!

2010-09-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

I love taking pictures of life's all-too-fleeting moments and have been doing so for over fifteen years. During that time I have photographed film festivals, museum events, school fundraisers, award ceremonies, entertainment industry events and so much more. I've met everyone from the late Great Gordon Parks to the one and only Oprah Winfrey thanks to my handy camera. But nothing is more fulfilling that participating in and photographing special moments for special people that I know and love personally, people that have been there for me and I for them,in good times and bad. Such was the case with the Helen and Phil Collen wedding this past July in West Palm Beach--at the Ritz Carlton! Helen and I have been friends since HS, and were even on the cheer leading team together!!! So of course I was going to be at her wedding and no doubt I was just clicking away all weekend, shooting as a friend, a guest and a fellow photographer along with Phil's favorite photog, the great Ash Newell. It was an authentic experience being there form y friend capturing her cherished moments (some very private and intimate like the Bride getting ready--vavavavooom! That Phil's a luck guy.) So this layout on the beautiful Eco-BeautifulWeddings.com was just, well, the icing on the cake that was a very special weekend for all of us lucky and blessed enough to be in attendance.!

Embrace Your Breakup as a New Beginning - 10 Steps To Finding Yourself After Divorce- Beliefnet.com

2010-08-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

Embrace Your Breakup as a New Beginning - 10 Steps To Finding Yourself After Divorce- Beliefnet.com

If you COULD where would you go to...Eat, Pray, Love?

2010-08-18T09:20:00.000-07:00

National Book Club Conference 2010 Highlights

2010-08-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

That's me at the National Book Club Conference in Atlanta last weekend...

I met some wonderful writers like the actress and author Victoria Rowell ....

and was blessed as always to bump into Terrie Williams....

then mingled with the dynamic writing duo Virginia DeBerry and Donna Grant...

but the highlight was meeting all the wonderful book club members who attended the Souls Of My Sisters luncheon. You all are my truest inspiration. See you next year at NBCC!!!

National Book Club Conference

2010-07-29T22:13:00.001-07:00

NY TIMES RECOGNIZES THE REAL!!!

2010-07-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

It's not everyday that one of your best friends is featured in the NY Times!!! Yes the legendary paper sure did cover Helen's wonderful wedding to Phil Collen. I told y'all it was all that--and I was there!!!

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/25/fashion/weddings/25VOWS.html?_r=1&ref=weddings

Here's to Helen!!!

2010-07-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I've been away for a while. Sorry! It's Summer! But it's all good because I'm back now and first off want to thank my girl Helen Collen for inviting me to her wonderful wedding this past weekend at the Ritz-Carlton in West Palm Beach. Yeah child! It was all that--a great reason to get out of the hot city. I even took my daughter so she could experience the hotel but mostly the love. Yes. The love. If you don't know who Helen is I'll tell you: A creative woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and would give you the shirt off her back. A true friend. And now, a wonderful wife to Def Leppard rocker Phil Collen. Which is why it upsets me so to read all the messed up comments people are making on the Internet about her wedding. There are allot of HATERS out there. But that's fine they don't know Helen like I do and while she is currently booed up with her new, handsome, successful, devoted, smitten husband, people with no lives are trolling websites with nothing good to say. But I'll say this to all my friends and all my readers: Helen is a inspiration. We women need to celebrate her and use her as a source of inspiration. We all know I've devoted the last year to speaking to women about breakups and how to face life after a heartbreak. Well there is no better way to stay optimistic than finding examples of other women who have found Mr. Right after a string of Mr. Wrong's and if Helen's story doesn't help you with that I don't know what will!!!

She met and married her man post-40!

She wasn't afraid to step out of the limitations of skin color and accept love in the form in which is was presented to her!!!

She still remained a loyal, devoted and available friend!!!

She loves her momma!

She's got a body from hell!!!

She's a God-fearing woman who was raised int he church!!!

She has a great sense of humor!!!

I could go on and on but I won't. I'll just post some pics of the wedding and on behalf of Helen quote lyrics from one of my favorite Jill Scott song:

"Hate on me haters, now or later, cause I'm going to do me. Don't be mad, baby!!!"

TO SEE MORE PHOTOS FROM THE WEDDING VISIT:

http://kfieldsphoto.smugmug.com/

Off to The WEDDING OF THE YEAR!!!

2010-07-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

Stay Tuned...

Please Vote For Me & My OWN Show

2010-07-02T18:03:00.001-07:00

Its Not Too Late to Vote for me and my OWN show. All Votes (And Prayers) Are Appreciated. http://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.ht

ml?request=video_details&response_id=24376&promo_id=1

Over 40 and still single? So what!!!

2010-06-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

(Helen and Phil)

As we all know I just turned 40 in March. And you would not believe the sentiments I received from some small minded people. In this day and age many women and most men believe that if you are not married by the time you are 40 then you are doomed to be single. Well, ummm, my best friend Helen is in her early forties and is getting married to legendary guitarist Phil Collen in July; I will be at the wedding-- with bells on!!! And camera in tow! I can't wait to see the union of these two creative soul mates and to see my sister friend walk down the aisle towards the love she truly deserves.

(Victoria and Tim)

And what about actress turned author Victoria Rowell? She got married for the first time when she was damn near fifty!!! Both of these women remained active and optimistic, focused on their careers, took care of their bodies, all while waiting for Mr. Right even after encountering many a Mr. Wrong. My point? If you are no longer in your twenties please know you are still a desirable and viable woman. Stay optimistic, keep the faith, and puhhleeeze....stop whining. Because hey, you never know!!!

Enjoy Your Memorial Day Weekend

2010-05-28T08:59:00.000-07:00

Enjoy your Memorial Day Weekend!!! And if it involves putting on a bathing suit--go for it no matter what size you are!! Life is too short for limitations.

Besides...If I could get into a bathing suit with my big ole butt for a major national publication--which would be the June Issue of OPRAH Magazine!!!!--you can enjoy your time at the beach or by the pool with family and friends. No matter if you are a size six or a size sixteen I hate to break it to you--YOU WILL NEVER BE PERFECT! So enjoy yourself and yup--LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE!!!

Over 40 and still single? So what!!

2010-05-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

(Helen and Phil)

(Victoria and Tim)

Quote of the Day!!

2010-05-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown

O, THE OPRAH MAGAZINE'S LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE WALK

2010-05-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

O, THE OPRAH MAGAZINE'S LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE WALK

Halle Berry Breakup?

2010-05-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

Well readers, rumor has it that the beautiful and talented Halle Berry and her boyfriend/baby daddy have broken up. I really hope this isn't true for the following reasons:

#1: I'm a hopeless romantic and eternal optimist who knows that just because my relationships haven't worked out (so far!!!) some relationships will stand the test of time, dammit!!

#2: There is a beautiful baby girl involved (and another baby rumored to be on thew way!!!) and no matter how much the parents vow to focus on the children, no matter how sincere they are in their efforts to shield the child from the breakup fallout, the child inevitably suffers.

#3: I was hoping Ms. Berry had finally gotten in right this time. I'm exhausted for her!

#4: I'm basically tired of hearing about all these celebrity breakups. Can't we all just get along?

#5: She looked happy and he looked HOT!

But despite my deepest desires for everlasting love between these two, the tabloids and newspapers are convinced that their five year relationship is over so I guess I might as well go on and accept it. Some sources say she broke it off because he was too young and couldn't carry his weight. Some say he broke it off because he simply wanted out. Whatever it is, I hate to tell you that we will probrably never know the truth. That's the thing about relationships- sometimes the people involved are the only ones that ever really know the real deal.

So I'll just wish Ms. Berry the best and not even try to speculate, because it is just a waste of time. I'm sure the details will emerge soon enough.

In the meantime, I can't help but wonder if Halle's announcement a few years back on The Oprah Winfrey Show that she would never marry again had anything to do with this breakup? Some could say it's a good thing she didn't get married after all; she could be filing for divorce right now instead of just going through a breakup. But on a deeper level, maybe her inability to truly commit to marriage due to her past failures, maybe her inability to really let go and trust that two people could live happily in a committed marriage, actually doomed the relationship from the start? How is any endeavor--a realtionship, a career move, etc.-- supposed to succeed if you embark upon it from a place of doubt and lack? Just wondering.

ABC Asks "Why Can't A Successful Black Woman Find A Man?"

2010-04-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

http://abcnews.go.com/nightline/faceoff

I was reluctant to watch this program because I think stuff like this only perpetuates the problem. Anyone who believes in the power of the spoken word, or knows that our words create our reality, can see why this program did more harm than good. Now, not only are Black women walking around saying over and over and over again like drones "I can't find a man I can't find a man I can't find a man..." the rest of the friggin' country is saying it, too. It's bad enough we always have to fight stereotypes of being over sexualized and lacking in self respect .

Thanks a lot music videos.

Now wherever we go men will see us coming and think "Oh, No!! A Single Black Woman. She MUST be LONELY and ANGRY and DESPERATE. Let me avoid her at all costs!!"

Thanks a lot ABC.

Obviously, I'm a little pissed. And I should be. I feel like Black woman are being targeted for failure. I mean ABC could have easily had a show called:

Why Can't Successful, Stunning Actresses, Black or White, Keep Their Men from Cheating?

(That would be aimed at Sandra Bullock and Garcelle Beauvais)

Why Can't a Man, Black or White, Keep His Dick in His Pants?

(That would be aimed at Tiger Woods and Jesse James)

But noooooo. This was the topic they chose to highlight. Surely, hopefully there were good intentions behind the panel. Maybe the producers at NightLine really want to help solve this very real problem but for some reason, I doubt it. Because instead of doctors, psychologists, historians, sociologists, and/or professors of African American studies, they had a comedienne (Sherri Shephard), a radio host and reality TV star (Jacque Reid), an actor turned author (Hill Harper), a comedienne turned radio host turned author turned relationship guru (Steve Harvey), and then there was some other guy who wrote a book called The Denzel Principle. He argues that all Black women are waiting for Denzel to come through the door, which is absolutely ridiculous. Morris Chestnut, maybe. But Denzel? He is so yesterday. But I get it. He's saying we want a handsome man to drive up in a nice car with flowers and chocolate and I say--OF COURSE WE DO!! WE DESERVE IT!!

I found myself yelling at my television because the discussion, like the situation itself , was frustrating. Hill Harper says we should date potential. Really, Hill? Every woman I know who dated "potential" in the past is living alone in the present to regret it. Not to say we don't need to have faith in a brother. But a brother has got to have faith in himself, too, for it to work. Because then we become nagging mother figures (Did you look for a job today, honey? Did you call the man about the scholarship, boo?) and we all know that's just the beginning of the end.

Then there was Sherri's silly statement about wanting a man to "take her cornrows out". I had to agree with Steve when he said most men are not wired to want to take cornrows out!!

But I think what she was really trying to say was that she wants someone there for the good and bad hair days, the ups and downs of life. And I don't think that's too much too ask especially since a woman who is in love with a man will not only take his cornrows out she will wash his hair and then re-braid it! You know how we do, sisters.

I could go on forever but I won't. The bottom line is we have to stop placing the blame on each other and be more patient and compassionate with each other. At the end of the day, as Hill Harper wisely pointed out, this is about the survival of the black family. This is about our sons and daughters. And it is kinda depressing. But what was really depressing, at the end of my day, were the men on the panel. One was bald. One was chubby. And one was short. Gosh. I guess a good Black man is hard to find after all!!!

Phenomenal Women!!

2010-03-29T01:08:00.000-07:00

These pictures were taken at the 10th National Black Writer's Conference at Medgar Evers College in Brooklyn last night.

Yup! That's me with Susan Taylor, Sonia Sanchez, and the one and only Toni Morrison.

You have to understand. I grew up reading Susan Taylor's "In The Spirit" column in Essence, Sonia's powerful poems (Hurt? You talking about a little hurt? Man. Ain't no man like a black man. He puts it where it is and turns you inside out.) and Toni Morrison's deep, lyrical, magical books (my favorite is Tar Baby). I have been fortified and inspired by these women for so long and... to actually be in their presence...there are no words...I am speechless...

The Oscar Curse?

2010-03-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

I'm not superstitious or anything but , yeah. I'm kinda sorta starting to believe in the Oscar Curse!

Just weeks after a wonderful accomplishment---winning the Oscar for Best Actress---one of my favorite actresses, Sandra Bullock, has left her husband, hunky Jesse James. They always did kinda look like an odd couple but I figured opposites attract but, well, I guess not. I feel bad for her, I really do. But I have a feeling Spunky Sandra is going to be just fine. After all, she isn't the first woman to have her man cheat on her with a skank and she, unfortunately, won't be the last. Plus, Sandra's no dummy---did anyone notice that she did not thank her husband AT ALL during her long rambling Oscar acceptance speech? Well, I did! Still, I didn't see this coming.

Yesterday, a tattoo model nicknamed Bombshell revealed she had been having an affair with Bullock’s husband while filming The Blind Side.

Just a day earlier, last year’s winner Kate Winslet (for The Reader) announced that she and director husband Sam Mendes have split.

Bullock and Winslet now join the ranks of Oscar-winning actresses whose love lives have gone south after bringing home the big prize:

Reese Witherspoon won 2005 for Walk the Line while married to actor Ryan Phillippe. They separated in 2006.

Halle Berry won in 2001 for Monster’s Ball while married to musician Eric Benét. They separated in 2003

Hilary Swank escaped the curse after her 1999 win for Boys Don’t Cry, but it caught up with her after Million Dollar Baby (2004) while married to Chad Lowe. They split up in 2005

Helen Hunt won in 1997 for As Good as It Gets, bringing with her long-time love Hank Azaria (whom you know as Moe, Apu, Dr. Nick, Comic Book Guy and others) They married in 1999 and divorced in 2000

Charlize Theron won in 2003 for Monster while dating actor Stuart Townsend. Despite their long-term relationship, Theron said she had no plans to marry him. But they parted ways last month, but she’s apparently already moved on to Hurt Locker star Jeremy Renner

Helen Mirren (who won for The Queen in 2006) seems to have escaped this curse - she’s been married to director Taylor Hackford since 1985.

She's Back! Kate Gosseling is Dancing With the Stars, now.

2010-03-02T19:51:00.000-08:00

After the reality tv show "Jon and Kate Plus 8" ended along with Jon and Kate's marriage, many hoped that Jon and Kate would just disappear already. Maybe go off into obscurity and raise their eight kids. That's not going to happen. Kate Godssling has signed on the be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. I hate to admit

it but I think she's doing the right thing. I mean she is obviously a fame seeker and she does have a whole lotta kids to feed. Rumor had it that she was going to join The View full time, or even do a show where she is raising her whole lotta kids as a single mother. But I think choosing to do Dancing...is a good idea for her. Here's why:

She'll stay in shape
She'll be seen by potential new suitors
She'll be dancing , not talking
She'll be exploiting herself, not her whole lotta kids
She'll set a good example for her kids, especially her daughters
She'll inspire other women who've married losers and had to start their lives over again, alone, with a whole lotta kids

And finally...

She'll have a place to wear her new (thank goodness!) hairstyle

More Quotes for You on Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T07:56:00.000-08:00

"Well if you don't have a Valentine?...Please! It's not worth jumping."

-Wendy Williams

I usually try to quote people who are a bit more prolific than talk show host Wendy Williams. But in this case I could not resist. Her simple, matter of fact statement about Valentine's Day resonated with me because I know a lot of women who are so sad and suffering today because they are single. And you know what? You have a right to be a bit mellow. It would be great to have a romantic dinner and some slow lovemaking for dessert. But if you are single that's probably not going to happen. Still, as Wendy states, don't jump. Translation: It's not worth killing yourself over.

Just find a way to enjoy the day in your own special way!

Happy Valentine's Day. I love you all. Please accept my gift to you, these words of wisdom from people other than Wendy Williams. Enjoy!

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

Buddha (563 - 483 BC)

It's not your job to like me - it's mine.

Byron Katie

Self-love is the foundation of our loving practice. Without it our other efforts to love fail. Giving ourselves love we provide our inner being with the opportunity to have the unconditional love we may have always longed to receive from someone else.

-bell hooks

Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

-Lucille Ball

If we really love ourselves, everything in our life works.

-Louise L. Hay

Practice being at home with yourself, as you step out to be with others.

-Marcia Wieder

I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.

-Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

-Maya Angelou

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.

-Wayne Dyer

Begin to see yourself as a soul with a body rather than a body with a soul.

Wayne Dyer

God didn't make a mistake when He made you. You need to see yourself as God sees you.

-Joel Osteen

Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.

-Oprah Winfrey

I am so hip even my errors are correct.
Nikki Giovanni

Should Sherri Shepherd Shutup About Her Ex?

2010-02-12T18:54:00.000-08:00

So...Sherri Shephard's ex husband Jeff Tarpley (that's them in the photo in better days), who has been the butt of many of her jokes and who is played by Malcom Jamal Warner in her semi-successful sitcom on Lifetime, is speaking to Inside Edition. In an exclusive interview he says he's tired of her bashing him in her act and well, he's not going to take it anymore. He feels the ridicule is unfair and that it is hurting his family life.

The thing he doesn't seem to get is that if he didn't give her anything to talk about Sherri wouldn't have anything to say. I mean, he's the one who cheated on her (in real life and in the show). What women doesn't have a few snide remarks about a cheating spouse? She is, despite his shenanigans, a talk show host, a comedienne and and actress. Creative people always draw from real life ---present company included. The only reason my ex is not coming after me for mentioning him in my book is because I never gave his name so no one knows who he is! Still, it was my story to tell and I told it.

In this case, although Sherri should have the right to talk about HER experiences any way she wants, she should stop now. Not to spare his feelings. Not to pacify him. But because he is such an unattractive, unconvincing (and obviously , unfaithful) man that any association with him makes her look bad. She's on The View. She's lost 40 pounds. She has her own sitcom. If living well is the best revenge then she's got hers ten times over. She'll be the first one to tell you that she's looking for a new love, baby. I think she'll have a better chance at finding Mr. NOW when she stops bringing up Mr. THEN. She needs to leave her ex where he belongs, in the past, eating her dust!

He's Gone!...John Edwards Gets the Boot

2010-01-30T01:05:00.000-08:00

Ummm...looks like Elizabeth Edwards is finally doing some housecleaning of her own and it's long overdue! I guess having her husband of over thirty years John Edwards finally have to admit to the whole darn world what everyone else (except his wife) already knew--that he is the father DUH!!--was her Point of No Return. It's about damn time. I mean what took her so long? One word: Denial . Poor thing.

HOUSECLEANING 2010

2010-01-14T09:21:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Ladies!!! If you're wondering where I've been I'll tell you. I've been getting ready to shine this year by cleaning house, literally and figuratively. How else am I going to let in all the love and light that's coming my way if I don't? I have a feeling if we stay positive, stay in prayer, throw out the trash (you know WHO and what it is for you), and PUSH (because we are all PRECIOUS) this is going to be a fantastic 2010. Are you ready? Here's a poem someone sent me online that motivated me. Hope it motivates you, too.

Last Week I threw out worrying, it was getting old and in the way.

It kept me from being me; I couldn't do things God's way.

I threw out a book on MY PAST

(Didn't have time to read it anyway).

Replaced it with NEW GOALS, started reading it today.

I threw out hate and bad memories,

(Remember how I treasured them so)?

Got me a NEW PHILOSOPHY too, threw out the one from long ago.

Brought in some new books too, called I CAN, I WILL, and I MUST.

Threw out I might, I think and I ought.

WOW, you should've seen the dust.

I ran across an OLD FRIEND, I hadn't talked to in a while.

His name is GOD the Father, and I really like His style.

He helped me to do some cleaning and added some thingsHimself.

Like PRAYER, HOPE, FAITH and LOVE,

Yes... I placed them right on the shelf.

I picked up this special thing and placed it at the front door..

I FOUND IT- it's called PEACE. Nothing gets me down anymore.

Yes, I've got my house looking nice.

Looks good around the place.

For things like Worry and Trouble there just isn't any space.

It's good to do a little house cleaning,

Get rid of the things on the shelf.

It sure makes things brighter; maybe you should TRY IT YOURSELF.

Girls Night Out!

2009-12-01T14:23:00.000-08:00

Chris Brown to Share his Side of the Story

2009-11-28T08:58:00.000-08:00

We all know there are two sides to every story. And since Ms. R. was all up on 20/20 telling her side to Diane Sawyer (and the rest of us) it's only fair that Chris gets to speak, too. I hope he owns up to his actions. Yes it takes two to tango but Ms. R was definitely the victim in this situation. Chris I wish you the best and know you are growing (and hopefully changing) but you, my man, were wrong wrong wrong. I'll be tuning in to 20/20 on December 11th to hear what he has to say for himself. Let's just hope he is more sincere than he was on Larry King!

Chris Brown

R&B star Chris Brown to be interviewed on '20/20'

Nov. 27, 2009, 4:47 PM EST

NEW YORK (AP) -- ABC says Chris Brown will appear on its "20/20" newsmagazine Dec. 11.

In what's billed as an in-depth interview, the singer will discuss his assault of ex-girlfriend and recording superstar Rihanna in February. He is on probation for the beating.

Robin Roberts, anchor of ABC's "Good Morning America," conducts the interview. It was taped last weekend.

ABC spokesman Jeffrey Schneider says clips may also air on "Good Morning America." He says Brown will not perform live.

Brown is scheduled to release his album "Graffiti" on Dec. 8. He has previously spoken about the attack on MTV News and "Larry King Live."

Rihanna was interviewed this month by ABC's Diane Sawyer.

http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=444180&GT1=28103

Relationship Recovery Retreat?!?

2009-11-17T12:32:00.000-08:00

Happy Tuesday!

I hope all is well with you and that you are continuing to use the tips and advice from my book to assist you with your well being.

I am getting such positive response from the book that I am in the process of planning a Relationship Recovery Retreat on the sunny shores of Jamaica in 2010.

I have not set the date, exact location or price yet but rest assured it will be at a beautiful place and affordable price!

If you think this is something you would be remotely interested in cast your vote now!

There is no commitment--I'm just feeling things out a need a general idea of how many of you would be willing to join me.

Again, there is no commitment!

It only takes a second!

Thanks so much.

Now I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to visiting Jamaica again. It's been over five years since I have visited the country and I'm feeling a visit is long overdue. This is my photography that I took the last time, aptly called "Journaling In Jamaica". It was awarded 2nd place in a juried exhibit called "Brooklyn Nature" in NY. Enjoy! To see more of my photographs visit kerikafieldsphoto.com

Rihanna Speaks Out to Diane Sawyer, ABC EXCLUSIVE - ABC News

2009-11-06T22:56:00.000-08:00

Some say it's because she has an album to promote. Some say it's because she wanted to finally have her say about the situation. Well, whatever the reason Rihanna has finally broken her silence about the abuse she suffered at the hands of Chris Brown. The interview with ABC's Diane sawyer has sparked a lot of controversy. I personally think she was very brave and elegant and was surprised that she admitted she finally left due to her social responsibility--realizing that she might be putting the lives of other young, abused women in jeopardy if she sent the message that it was okay to stay. So for that, I don't care if she finally chose to speak out in an effort to promote her album. After all, with the release of her album and the accompanying public appearances people were bound to ask about it so it seems smart to me to just get it over with already. What is important and impressive is that she realizes the power of her platform and seems to be stepping up to the plate by being a responsible celebrity. Now, hopefully, young women who find themselves in abusive relationships have a point of reference: hopefully they will not be afraid to ask for help; hopefully they will take a clue from Rihanna and wall the hell away!! Abuse to women is a monumental problem in our society and now it seems it has a new spokesperson. God does work in mysterious ways.

Check out the interview below (if you haven't already) and let me know what you think.

Rihanna Speaks Out to Diane Sawyer, ABC EXCLUSIVE - ABC News

Essence Atkins Meets Her Match (on Match. Com!)

2009-10-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

You may remember her from the hit sitcom "Half and Half". I remember her as a cute little girl in Brooklyn with loooong hair who attended my mother's pre-school, The Robert Conner Memorial Family School, when I was a kid.

Nevertheless, now she is know as one of many women wh0 have found love (and marriage) on Match.com. Essence isn't the first woman to meet and marry via the popular website. But she is one of a few famous ones, which is why everyone is all a-gag over the fact that she actually went online to find love (after all she is a beautiful actress) and actually found it with financial executive Jamie Mendez . He's a cutie, too.

Essence Atkins has given a face (and a ray of hope!) to the countless women and men who use the web to find true love. Personally I have dated on Match.com but most of the guys I met were, well, weird. And while dating via Match.com was fun (Summer '08 was a busy one for Ms. Kerika!) I find that I prefer my encounters with men to be authentic. But hey, to each her own. I hope this match works out for Essence and anybody else who is looking for love online. Sometimes you have to take your love life (or lack thereof!) into your own hands.

Still only time will tell if this hook up has what it takes to survive the long haul but I do wish Essence Atkins the best of luck with this one!

Essence.com Shows Some Love!

2009-09-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

Last week was a busy and eventful one for me. On Monday Essence.com showed me some real love and featured me on their website in a great article about my book. I'm doling out my relationship recovery tips and have gotten some great feedback from the Essence.com readers. It's really nice becase I believe (as al of you who have read the book already know) that this is an invaluable book that can really help you if you are exeriencing the breakup blues. And having Essence.com introduce the book to it's many readers will surely help this invaluable book find the readers it was written for.

Check out the article here!

http://www.essence.com/relationships/men/articles/the_breakup_guide_tips_to_get_past_the_pain/

On Thurday I attended the African American Literary Award Show where I was nominated for Best Self-Help Book of 2009. The award ultimately went to Steve Harvey (who was a no-show) but it is true what they say: It was an honor to be nominated, especially for my very first book. Even though Steve didn't show I did get to meet the bestselling author Zane along with Donna Grant and Virginia DeBerry the writing duo who have written at least five best selling books including my favorite "Trying to Sleep in the Bed You Made".

Whitney Houston: The "He's Gone... You're Back! Hero" of 2009

2009-09-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

It took a minute ( almost ten years, actually) but super songstress Whitney Houston has finally released a new album!!! I haven't heard it yet but I'm sure it's great. But you know what? Even if it sucks I wouldn't give f--k! All I care about is that sister girl has pulled it together and is doing her thing--singing her songs again. She's even gloriously gracing the cover of this months Ebony Magazine.

And it is so good to see her shining! Because--admit it--for a minute there we were all a little worried about Whitney--whether she would (or could!) sing again, whether she would stop using drugs (because "crack is whack"), whether she would get a hold of her teenage daughter, and whether she would finally, mercifully let bad boy Bobby Brown go on about his business. Thankfully, she has and in doing so presents herself as proof positive that sometimes, no matter how much you love a man who is clearly no good for you, you have to love yourself enough to save yourself. You have to know when to let go. Which is why I must crown Whitney Houston The "He's Gone...You're Back! Hero" of 2009.

I am honored and excited to do it here on my blog because in my book I list some of my "He's Gone..You're Back! Heroes" (pgs.112-113). They include Halle Berry, Valerie Bertinelli, Vanessa Williams and Nicole Kidman because of the classy, admirable way they handled very humiliating, very public breakups and bounced back better than ever.

I did not include Whitney on the list because when I was writing the book, things were still a bit up in the air with her situation; she and Bobby had broken up but only God knew if it was really gonna stick! Well, now the jury's out and it's clear she has had the strength and the sense to realize that she is waaay better off without him. Not to say that she does not have to take full responsibility for letting her life spin out of control. Just pointing out that sometimes it's much harder to pull it back together when you are in a seriously toxic relationship.

The release of her new album is clearly a new beginning for her and I wish her all the luck and love in the world. I know it wasn't easy but she got it together, got rid of Mr. Wrong and got on with her life. And for that she is hereby crowned The "He's Gone...You're Back! Hero" of 2009! Can I get an amen somebody?

African American Literary Awards Nomination!!!

2009-08-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

For Immediate Release:

“He’s Gone…You’re Back! The Right Way to Get Over Mr. Wrong” by Kerika Fields nominated “Best Self-Help Book 2009” by the African American Literary Awards.

(New York, NY- August 9, 2009) --- Debut author Kerika Fields is pleased to announce that her relationship recovery book “He’s Gone…You’re Back! The Right Way to Get Over Mr. Wrong”(Souls of My Sisters Books/Kensington Publishers) has been nominated “Best Self-Help Book 2009” by the African American Literary Awards. The author wrote the book to help women navigate the dark, post-relationship abyss and come out on the other side ready to laugh and love again. With humor, understanding and the author’s real-life stories, the book shows readers how to mourn the loss, heal their broken hearts, and move on in a holistic way. Emphasizing the importance of caring for body, mind and spirit, the book encourages readers take an active role in their recovery.

Since the book’s release in January 2009 “He’s Gone…You’re Back!” has become a best seller on blackexpressions.com (Psychology/Self-Help). It has also been celebrated and lauded by readers nationwide including author and power-publicist Terrie Williams who said, ”He’s Gone…You’re Back will help you Stay Strong! It will change the way you view your breakup, and make you laugh, think, and grow along the way.” National television and radio journalist Jacque Reid is also a fan of the book. She hosted the author on The Tom Joyner Morning Show and affirmed: “This book combines comfort with a reality check and a survival guide. It can be a lifeline to those navigating the devastatingly painful waters of a romantic break up.”

Other nominees in this category include Steve Harvey for “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” and Shaun Robinson for "Exactly As I Am”. Readers select the winner by voting online at literaryawardshow.com. Winners will be announced at the fifth annual awards show, which will be held on September 24, 2009.

“I am so honored to be nominated alongside such important books like Mr. Harvey’s and Ms. Robinson’s, especially since this is my debut book!” exclaimed author Kerika Fields upon hearing about her nomination. “I receive emails on my website and get new Facebook friend requests every day from women who have read my book and want me to know that it helped them through a very tough time,” the author said. “ And since that is exactly why I wrote this book, every time a reader reaches out I feel like I have already won!”

“He’s Gone….You’re Back! The Right Way to Get Over Mr. Wrong” is available online and in bookstores nationwide.

For more information visit: www.hesgoneyoureback.com

Keeping it Fresh on "The Big Corey Fresh Show" with Kathy Griffin and Common

2009-08-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

On Friday I had the pleasure of discussing my book with Radio DJ Big Corey Fresh!!! And I was in great company. Controversial Comic (she was the one who told Jesus to suck it on national television. But I fogive her becasue that's what Jesus would do) and Cutie Pie Common (one of the flyest realest rappers ever) also stopped in a spoke to Corey. Check it out!!!

http://TheBig CoreyFreshShow.com

Pamela's Prayer

2009-07-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

I was on the train a few days ago and ran into a woman named Pamela. She is a friend but also a colleague as we worked together years ago in a pre-school in Brooklyn. Between dealing with balloons, buggas, and boo-boo's, we bonded and although she is significantly older than I am we became good friends who shared support, advice and inspiration. Pamela is also a mother and a wonderful artist who makes personalized, hand-crafted African dolls and her creative spirit is a big part of who she is and why I was drawn to her. But when I saw her we were both in a rush (it's a New York thing, ugh!!) so we didn't get to really catch up. But we did wish each other well and, as is her nature, she left me with something special, something sacred, something strengthening, something I couldn't wait to share with you all. It's a poem/ prayer/proclamation she said she wrote for a friend but instead she gave it to me. She'd heard about my book and is familiar with my past relationship challenges and wanted to make sure she left me with something special, inspiring, and insightful and indeed she did.

I know that I have believed a lie in thinking that I was ever rejected by anyone. I know that I am greatly desired by the type of man who would fill all my ideals. I know that he will never find true and lasting happiness until he finds it in me. He needs me just as truly as I need him. The infinite knower knows where each of us is today. He is even now moving us across the chessboard of life so that we shall meet, and we shall recognize one another. I let go of all my tenseness relinquishing the entire responsibility for our meeting to the infinite knower. I know that we shall know each other when we meet, that I am not in competition with anyone else for this man, and he is not in competition with anyone else for me. He needs me, wants me, loves me, and all these emotions are returned by me. I release this whole situation to the infinite knower, giving thanks for its completion now, even before I see its manifestation.- Pamela

I don't know about you, but reading Pamela's Prayer just gave me a sense of peace. There are so many tv shows and movies and books out about relationships (I know this because I wrote one!!) that sometimes it can get overwhelming. And if you are not in a relationship there is this underlying panic tension stress about being single and it's, well...it's crazy. Let's not be crazy. Let's live and love ourselves so we can love others. Let's have faith that the right man, the deserving man, the man GOD created just for us is out there , doing the same thing and that if we follow our truth and walk the path we are supposed to walk the way we are supposed to walk it, we will bump right into him, unexpectedly, just like I bumped into Pamela.

Time to GRADUATE!!!

2009-06-10T20:31:00.000-07:00

It took long enough! I finally finished my Bachelor's Degree and graduated from Empire State College last week, after attending Howard University for three years in the very early 90's.

I wanted to finally do it because I realize I want my daughter to finish college and I had to set an example about finishing what you start, no matter what. But to be brutally honest (which is what we writers do) I have to admit that it was a MAN that made me finally stop procrastinating and finish college.

A few years ago, I was laying in the bed, post coital, having pillow talk with an ex boyfriend. He was venting about his finances and wondering aloud what he could do to improve his situation. I told him "Why don't you go back to school?" He had never finished college either and it made perfect sense to me that completing his degree would be helpful to him. And as he talked and made excuses---he didn't have the money, he didn't have the time, and so on, and so on ---I was about to offer him more encouragement, more reasons, more of my precious energy, then a small voice in my head said "Kerika, why don't you go back to school?" And that is exactly what I did. I realized in that moment that I was using my energy and time to encourage someone, albeit someone I loved, to do something to better himself when I still had some self-betterment to do. I realized it's easy to tell someone else what to do but it's hard to do it for yourself. So instead of wasting my time and energy trying to convince this young man to finish his degree I got up and put my energy into finishing my own damn degree!!!

It's been a good journey and I loved my school. They took many of my college credits and counted my lifetime experiences (I am a widely published photographer and writer after all) and I finally received my Bachelors of Arts degree on June 11, 2009.

But more than that I learned that sometimes we can put a lot of effort into loving and encouraging others but we have to start with ourselves.

So I challenge you to examine your life right now, and find ways that you can make moves to better yourself and enhance your life. It has to start with you. You can give people advice and suggestions but in the end the best you can do is set an example. The rest is up to them!

He'sGoneYou'reBack.blogspot.com: The Summer of Self-Love

2009-05-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

He'sGoneYou'reBack.blogspot.com: The Summer of Self-Love

The Summer of Self-Love

2009-05-28T08:43:00.000-07:00

Hope you all enjoyed your Memorial Day Weekend! Hope it was filled with family, food, friends,and fun! But now it's all over and summer has officially begun. That means hot summer nights, days at the beach, blockbuster movies, maybe a vacation, and of course the inevitable---shiny glowing lovey dovey couples holding hands everywhere.

But wait... Don't hate! Just because you don't have a boyfriend or a mate (yet), just because things have ended with that "special" someone, just because the guy you are seeing is not ready for a "commitment", so what! Summer is here and with it brings ample opportunities to enjoy yourself, care for yourself, love yourself. You're alone anyway so you might as well!

You might as well enjoy all the fresh fruits and vegetables you want--they're in season! You might as well take long leisurely walks through parks, over bridges, besides oceans, along lakes--the weather's great! You might as well visit friends and family and have heartfelt, fulfilling conversations--they're expecting you! You might not believe me but it's true---the best time to be single is summertime. There are so many fun, healthy, positive things to do! There is no snow on the ground---no need to stay home and mope around. Christmastime without a guy is not looming---flowers, everywhere are blooming. So I don't know about you, but here's what I'm going to do:

I'm going to revel in the Summer of 2009 by proclaiming it the Summer of Self Love!!! After all, this time next year I may be in a happy relationship with my Mr. Right. But this time, this year, I am not. So I am going to make the most of it by embracing this "me" time and loving---you guessed it --me!

I sincerely encourage you all to do the same. If you decide to join me, I would love some feedback on ways you are enjoying your Summer of Self Love! So don't be shy. Please check in here and share tips, suggestions and ideas with me (and my readers) and I will do the same!

Here's to us---and the Summer of Self- Love!!!

Thank You for Your Love and Support!!!

2009-05-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

Hello!

I just wanted to take a moment out of my busy schedule to thank all of you who have read my book and have called and emailed me with positive feedback. I feel blessed to know that my message is being received so sincerely.

I hope to continue to spread the word about this important, very necessary book by requesting some more of your support. You can do so by:

Telling friends and family about the book
Purchasing copies for friends and family members
Posting your positive reviews on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble.com
Emailing pbass@ essence.com with your responses
Requesting the book at your local bookstore
Letting me know what other kinds of support you would like ( Writing Workshops, Relationship Recovery Retreats, Online Radio Show, etc.)
Becoming a regular follower of my blog hesgoneyoureback.blogspot.com and posting comments

Again, I thank you for all the love and support!!!

"He's Gone...You're Back!" is not just a book, it's a movement.

I'm Hitting The Road!! Spring Break

2009-04-15T17:10:00.000-07:00

I'm so pleased with all the feedback from readers about "He's Gone...You're Back!". In an effort to spread the word about my very necessary debut book I'll be visiting cities outside of my native New York. That's right, I'm taking a little "Spring Break". For now, I'm hitting the Washington D.C./Maryland area this weekend and Atlanta next weekend. I will keep you posted on other signings in other cities. In the meantime here's what's happening in April.

Looking forward to seeing you all there!!!!

After all "He's Gone...You're Back!" is not just a book, it's a movement!!!!

Meet

KERIKA FIELDS

AUTHOR OF:

He’s Gone…You’re Back! The Right Way To Get Over Mr. Wrong

UPCOMING BOOK SIGNING EVENTS 2009

WASHINGTON, DC

April 17, 2009
2-4 pm
Howard University Bookstore
2225 Georgia Ave., NW
Washington, DC 20059

MARYLAND

April 17, 2009
5:30-7:30pm
Urban Knowledge Bookstore
3500 E West Hwy
Hyattsville, MD 20782

April 18, 2009
3-5pm
Borders Books Silver Spring, MD
8518 Fenton Street
Silver Spring, MD 20910

Join me for a Social Gathering (Ceviche) & Soiree (Shadow Room)

5:00 pm - 9:00 pm
Ceviche
Second Level Across from DSW
912-J Ellsworth Drive
Silver Spring, MD 20910

9:00 pm - until the sun comes up Shadow Room 2131 K Street, NW Washington, DC 20037

ATLANTA

April 23, 2009

7-9 pm

Sunny’s Hair and Wigs
2295 Peachtree Road NE
Atlanta, GA 30309

April 24, 2009
6-8pm
Borders Books Atlanta
1745 Peachtree Street NE
Atlanta, GA 30309

Please R.S.V. P. to these events at: Hesgoneyoureback@aol.com or 718-916-7351

Becoming Dear Abby

2009-03-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

As my book gains popularity I am continuing to get emails from women all over the country who want advice. From me! I'm surprised and flattered. Mostly I'm glad I am available and that there is a dialogue between women about their breakups. Post-breakup is a lonely time and not everyone is fortunate enough to have good friends to share their pain with. And even if they do,I know that sometimes it feels good to be able to share your problems with a stranger (that would be me in this case). I'd like to think, though, that to the women who have bought the book and have read the book and have reached out to me for advice, I am not a stranger at all. After all, my book reveals all of the mistakes I have made in the past with men and all the lessons I have learned about myself. In the book I talked about my verbally abusive baby daddy, unfaithful boyfriend and young lover. Seriously, I have shared with my readers. And now they are sharing with me. So I have taken the time to actually answer the emails that come in from women who are having relationship issues and want to know what to do. Since they actually took the time and logged into my website and let me know what is going on with them I figure it's the least I can do. Some of the mails are veeery interesting. Here are just a few:

Anonymous from Chicago:

I believe it is all my fault. I know you may hear this ALL the time but please hear me out,or read me out(lol). I am known for self sabotaging relationships, jobs,and everything because I am so afraid. My last relationship has failed because I did everything in my power to ruin it, accidentally,on purpose. I mean that I would make myself unavailable when he did pursue me and now I am sad because he has given up on me. I want to rectify this situation. If I cant get this one right, please tell me how to make it better if there is ever a next time. Thanks!
P.S.I really need help because after so many failed relationships and encounters I have to step back and say,ok,what am I doing wrong?

Dear Anonymous From Chicago:

Hope you are well. Thanks so much for reaching out to me and sharing your situation. I am sorry to hear you are having troubles but the good news is that you seem aware of your issues and challenge in relationships: FEAR! You are scared, girl. Scared to be hurt and I can't blame you. Heartache is painful and when we love someone we are essentially taking a chance, and there are no guarantees. Funny thing is I recently started dating a guy I met online and he is so perfect I found myself getting scared too because I can really see this thing going somewhere, as he is sweet and spiritual and we have a lot in common. But I started getting suspicious and saying mean little things to throw him off as a way of saying "If he really likes me, this won't matter etc." Luckily I caught myself before it was too late and actually confessed to the guy that I was scared. And I was able to do this because I realize and I hope one day you will too----THERE IS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF! Love is like air there is always more. You can't ever waste your love, there is always more so don't be afraid to share it. And don't be afraid of getting hurt because if someone hurts you they really only end up hurting themselves.

I must mention though that your self-sabotaging may also come from a feeling of being unworthy and undeserving of a real good true strong love. If this is the case you have to figure out why. Look into your past relationships with men and family members and even friends and really try to see why you don't think you deserve love. Maybe there is something about yourself that you do not like that you need to change or embrace.

It sounds like you miss your boo and I do hope you two can reconcile, especially since it was you who messed everything up. But before you reach out to him with a sincere apology please take some time and ask yourself the hard questions. You may even want to visit a therapist since it seems this issue with self-sabotage is also affecting other parts of your life like your career which is very serious.

Please keep in touch to let me know how you are doing.

Good Luck and God Bless!
_______________________________________________________

Anonymous from Atlanta:

I been married for 17 rocky years. And I am no longer in love with my husband. He has a problem with alcohol and putting all friends before me and his children. Me and my girls have done vacations, dinner, and outings alone over the years. The times that he's gone with us he's either rushed us or just generally wasn't happy. When he would hang out and drink he would come home and was very verbally abusive. He's asked me for a divorce several times over the marriage and when I got ready to file and he was sober he would apologize and make empty promises. In the past he's told me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. He has even put us out of the house and I stayed with my father for two weeks with the girls. Since this has happened two years ago I fell short because I was so unhappy and I fell in love with this other guy. I've told my husband about it and told him I wanted a divorce. He has begged and threaten for me to stay. Now he wants me to give him a chance to make up for the 17 years. He's been around constantly. He wont go out with friends. He's ordered phone records on my cell to see if I'm contacting him. He's even put a recorder in my car to hear my conversations. He's there now for drop off pick up for kids and family outings. And now he's making me feel bad to leave because now he's all for the family now and he tells me how that would hurt our girls if we were another statistic of divorce. I know he's only made this change after 17 years because of the situation because he's told me that he doesn't like rejection. He's threatened to text all my co-worker's in my phone about my affair and to come up to my job and cause a scene. The more he tries to be this perfect helpful guy now it irritates me because I still don't feel the same. He told me to give him the opportunity to make me fall back in love with him. Its been 8 months now for this trial and I don't know what to do. I miss the man I feel in love with but I left him alone because my husband rides by his house and takes pictures of the cars in driveway and he wants to hurt him and his little girl and family. Seriously what do I do??

Dear Anonymous From Atlanta:

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your situation with me.I t sounds very complicated. I really don't want to tell you what to do because this is a very personal decision and one you must pray on. Still, have you met your Point of No Return? Do you really think the relationship is salvageable? If so work on it with patience understanding and forgiveness. If not, move on with your life and claim your happiness. The choice is yours. I must mention though that your husband sounds a little crazy with the following people and the taping of conversations and it could get ugly/dangerous if you do decide to leave. This does not mean you should stay out of fear but just know that if you decide to go, please be careful and smart so you and your daughters are protected and safe during the transition. Good luck! Please feel free to keep me informed on what you decide to do.

So as you can see I'm becoming quite the Dear Abby. I will continue to give advice to those who seek it as long as they remember that it's just that ---my advice. In the end it is ultimately their decision how they will handle their problems, if they will stay or go, if they will change or remain the same. I can only hope my advice will give them the strength and courage they will need no matter what.

If you have a question for me feel free to reach me here or on my website hesgoneyoureback.com

Chris Brown and Rihanna: Reunited?!!!!

2009-03-02T09:25:00.000-08:00

When I posted my last blog entry "When Love Gets Ugly" many readers thought I was referring to the unfortunate situation between Chris Brown and Rihanna. But I wasn't. I have deliberately stayed away from the topic because there has been so much speculation and, no matter what, no one can ever really know what goes on between two people in their relationship. But then the pictures came out. OMG! Heartbreaking. Seeing the scars and bruises on Rihanna's pretty face was very hurtful, more so because it was clear that her scars are more than just physical but inevitably emotional in nature. Essentially I felt sorry for her and I still do. Especially now with major newspaper outlets reporting that the two songbirds have reunited. I must say I am not surprised but I am scared. Scared that it can happen again, scared that she blames herself, scared that she really believes he can change, scared that next time it can be much much worse.

Maybe it's because I'm a mother of teenage daughter, maybe it's because as I child I saw my parents fight, or maybe it's because I've had my own brief encounter with abuse (you have to get my book and read the introduction to get all the details). Whatever the reason, I feel compelled to remind Rihanna and other young women who have been abused or are in abusive relationships (because let's face it! Domestic abuse is a big problem with many nameless victims) this one thing: When someone hits you once, they will hit you again. It's a fact.

In fact, the likelihood that an abuser will abuse again is very high. So with that in mind it is my hope that after spending time with her Mr. Brown and attempting a reconciliation she comes to her senses. Maybe he's ll do or say something stupid that will show her what time it really is. Maybe after spending time with him she'll realize he's not all that , after all. Maybe, maybe not. It's all I can do but hope for the best but expect the worse.

When Love Gets Ugly

2009-02-11T11:34:00.000-08:00

A wonderful journalist named Angela Bronner-Helm recently explored the dynamics of anger when it comes to bad breakups in an article on BlackVoices.com. And although I'm not one to condone "busting windows out" an ex's car or burning his clothes (It's just not my style. After all, "Vengance is mine sayeth the Lord" so I never have to lift a finger knowing that if someone hurts me he (or she) is really just hurting themselves) I was quoted in the article, since regardless of my personal stance, these things happen everyday. Check out the article and let me know your opinion.

http://www.blackvoices.com/blogs/2009/01/30/bust-the-windows-out-his-car-love-gone-wong/

My Book Signing Events

2009-01-21T17:33:00.000-08:00

Thank you to everyone who came out to Harlem Lanes on 1/9/09, Solomon's Porch on 1/10/09 and Barnes and Noble on 1/13/09. The love and support is greatly appreciated. If you couldn't make it to any of these events there's still time to meet up with me and get your signed copy of the book.

Upcoming Book Events with Author Kerika Fields

Saturday, January 24, 2009 @ Brown Memorial Baptist Church

Fellowship Hall

2:00-5:00 pm

484 Washington Avenue

(Entrance on Gates Avenue)

Brooklyn., MY 11238

Conversation with author Keirka Fields and journalist Katti Gray. There will also be a Q& A with the audience so prepare your questions! Books available for purchase after discussion.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 @ Ashford and Simpson's Sugar Bar

7:00-9:00 pm

254 West 72nd Street

(between B'way & West End Avenue)

NY, NY 10023

Conversation with author Kerika Fields and Flo Anthony, syndicated radio host and publisher of Black Noir and Toy Box Magazines. Book available for purchase after discussion.

Poi Moi tasting provided by JTE Spirits

Thursday February 12, 2009 @ Brownstone Books

7:00 pm

409 Lewis Avenue

Brooklyn, NY 11233

Book Reading/Signing. Light Refreshments served.

Saturday February 14, 2009 @ Hibiscus Day Spa

9:00 am -7:00 pm

558 Halsey Street

Brooklyn, NY 11233

Book Signing.

"Single this Valentine's Day? That's O.K.! Join Author Kerika Fields of He's Gone...You're Back for a self-love spa day!" Gift bags with each given with each book purchase. Deserts, Chocolate and champagne will be served all day.

Please R.S.V. P. to each event at: HesGoneYoureBack@aol.com or contact Robyn Ryland Sanders @ 212-765-7910

Events sponsored by Mighty Quinn Management, AAPRC and Souls of My Sisters

Readers are Reaching Out!

2009-01-21T07:44:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning to a wonderful email from a woman who had just read my book. She said she had to reach out to me because it helped her so much! All I could say to myself was---WOW! What a feeling. Because my book is about the subject of breakups and because I have suffered many a heartbreak, I really wanted to write a book that would really be helpful for any woman going through the same thing. And apparently I have. I am so grateful for the feedback and emails from my readers. They inspire me to keep writing and let me know that my book is achieving it's ultimate goal.

Here are a few emails from readers!

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of six months, and by recently, I mean on Friday and the truth is, he broke up with me. The whole thing feels like it was very "out of the blue" and I definitely didn't see it coming. We were living together and from start to finish, knew each other and dated for six months!

Yesterday, I was flying back to Atlanta from Colorado (I went home for the weekend to lick my wounds) and saw your book at the airport. Your book is incredible!!! I read the whole thing (well, up to the last two chapters) in a 2.5 hour flight. I have learned so much from your strength and courage. I can't tell you how much I have gained from reading your book and can't help but thinking that God put that book in my hands. Thank you for writing such an important book. I am forever changed for reading it.

Much love.

_______________________________________________________________

Girl your book is so helpful. I received the galleys months ago and I just put it on the shelf because I was in a relationship and was going to give it to a friend to rad. The last week of the year I broke off a 4 year relationship that was full of issues and not moving forward.

He's Gone...You're Back! has been my nightly therapy session, I have written scriptures in the book and notes to myself, and your book had become a journal piece instead of a book on my shelf. Girl I commend you on your testimony and I am inspired by the testimonies in the book. It let's me know I will be ok.

It's Official!

2008-12-29T22:24:00.000-08:00

Ok. As of today I am officially a published author. My debut books is available in bookstores and online nationwide. And yes I am very proud and excited. Not only because I am finally seeing one of my many dreams realized, but also because I now have the opportunity to help women deal with their heartbreak. Which, I know is never easy and very lonely. But this book is proof to anyone who has ever had their heart broken that no, you are not alone. I have been there and most women have, too. And its painful and scary and depressing but when it's all said and done there's nothing left to do but--yup, yup--do you, boo!

After my last breakup I was so hurt I couldn't even dwell on it. So I went back to school and wrote a book and a screenplay. Talk about keeping busy!

Seriously, though. this book was birthed from painful experiences. Those painful experiences being bad breakups, verbal abuse, infidelity and abandonment. In the end I learned that I had to learn to be happy with me, my life and my accomplishments. So of all the books I will write (because I hope you all know this will be the first of many. I'm pretty sure I have a great American novel in me somewhere) this is the most special. Not just because it's my first but because it forced me to grow and change and look at myself and my choices.

I hope it does the same for you, too.

Beat the Breakup Blues this Holiday Season

2008-12-19T15:24:00.000-08:00

If there was ever a time to have the Breakup Blues it would be during the holiday season. If there is ever a time when you think of lost loves or long to be with someone special, the time is now-Christmastime. For kids it's fun time, for families its special time , for singles its torture time. But it doesn't have to be. Trust me I know. This time last year I was miserable, lonely, and sad. All I could do was think about my ex and how great things --the holidays--would be if we were still together. Well it's one year later and I made it! And you can, too!

Know that this too shall pass. - Christmas is one day. Then of course there is New Year's. And if you are alone it can feel like forever. But grow up already because its not! Before you know it you will be back at work, back on the grind, back at tackling new challenges. So sit back, relax and try your best to enjoy the season, even if you are single. Heck! Especially if you are single. Because single hood--like the holidays--doesn't last forever. This time next year you could be engaged or married or seeing someone special or a straight up loser. Hey, you never know!

Buy yourself something special. - You deserve it. Even if you can't afford to buy a whole bunch of gifts for friends and coworkers and family members, make sure you get something special for you. It could be a pair of slippers, a box of chocolates or a $12 ticket to the new Brad Pitt Movie. You have a broken heart on the holidays and you're still standing--doesn't that deserve a gift?

Make plans. - This is not the time to "wing it" when it comes to holiday plans. Call your best friend or your co-worker or whoever and tell them that you will spend the holidays with them. Better yet, invite them over to your place! That way, even if you get in a funky, sad mood and are tempted to change your mind and stay at home and sulk, it will be too late! You're already committed. And we love commitments, because if we didn't we wouldn't be so sad about being single...right?

Do something special for someone else. - There are opportunities to reach out to others during this holiday season.I know the commercials and the movies would like you to think that everyone is happy and in love and content this Christmas. Unfortunately there are people who are homeless and hungry everywhere. Consider volunteering at a shelter to serve Christmas Dinner. Drop off some old clothes or new toys to a shelter. Chances are you will see that you are not so bad off after all.

Count your blessings. - This past year couldn't have been all bad. Maybe your love life sucks, but so what. Did you get a raise? A promotion? If not--well did you get a new pair of shoes? Seriously. There has to be something you are feeling blessed about. C'mon. I know you can think of something. Good. Then think of it and be grateful for it and focus on it. Still need help--umm, we have a new fine Black president in the White House.Still not enough? How about this--umm, you made it through 2008. And take it from me, who buried a friend Dominic and a cousin Rolean in 2008--not everybody does.

Call everyone you know (except your ex). - Holidays are a great time to catch up with family and friends. Make a list of ten people you never get to catch up with, make some hot cider, and make some phone calls. You know you need to speak to your niece and goddaughter and long lost cousins anyway, so just do it.

Eat. - I know pecan pie is not the best thing for a girl but I never eat it, except on Christmas. There has to be something you enjoy that is readily available this holiday season that you normally don't (because you shouldn't) indulge in like rich, creamy egg nog or a nice slice of succulent lamb. Go for it already. Enjoy it. Savor it. Until next year.

Drink. - Christmas time is the time for spirits. Everywhere you go people will be drinking and you can, too. Enjoy. But in moderation. Too much and you will be worse off--sad, lonely and hungover. Ugh! That should be avoided at all costs. When I say drink know that I am not only referring to champagne and brandy and spiced cider. I'm also talking about water. Drink a lot of water. You need to do something to replenish all those tears you'll be shedding feeling sorry for yourself .

Be merry. - I know this is easier said than done but its not so hard. If you don't feel like smiling at least nod at the lady in the subway who smiles at you. Somebody is having a party somewhere. Get invited to one. Or crash one. Put on a nice dress. Mingle a bit. Please don't stay home alone. But if you do, make your place merry. Even if you don't feel like buying or even decorating a tree, get a nice pine wreath (which will make you place smell great), some flowers, or a pretty pointesetta (which are at their prime this time of the year) and make your space feel special. If you don't, who will?

It's Holiday Season--You're Bound to Bump into An Ex!

2008-12-04T20:19:00.000-08:00

To Make sure you're ready for said inevitable encounter, I've provided you with a great article I found on MSN.com.

Recently, former pop power couple Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake reunited during rehearsals for Madonna's concert in Madison Square Garden. The exchange between the old flames was said to be short and sweet. According to Debbie Magids, Ph.D., these two got it right. "When you run into an ex, the goal is to be as gracious but brief as possible," she says. Since not all ex-encounters are created equal, Cosmo identifies a few scenarios to prep you for your own potentially awkward moment.

When You're the Dumpee
If you bump into the guy who emotionally gutted you, put on a brave face. This means no yelling, blaming, or crying — these antics are best saved for your friends. And you don't want to confirm how smart he was to ditch you. No matter how poorly you're holding up, when he asks how you've been, smile and say, "Great!" Then move on.

When You're the Dumper
Guys behave differently than girls do when they've been hurt. Whereas it might be within your emotional capacity to "act" warmly toward the jerk who ran your heart through the shredder, when you're the jerk, don't expect the same treatment. Be prepared for his cold shoulder and don't dwell on it. Similarly, restrain yourself from being overly nice or concerned. This is only a means to alleviate your own guilt, and might even lead him on.

When You're Still Tempted
You kinda secretly hoped you'd run into him this way: out with your friends, looking and feeling gorgeous. You've had a few drinks and suddenly … you're missing him. Stop, take a deep breath, and mentally list all the reasons why the two of you were not meant to be. Then, remind yourself how long it took to get to this good place you're in now. Don't waste that kind of confidence and energy on him — instead, channel it toward the newer, hotter guy across the room.

Barak and Michelle Obama: The Power and Importance of Beautiful Black Love

2008-11-05T12:07:00.000-08:00

He did it! Barak Hussein Obama became the First Black President of the U.S. Yes. Yes! He won the election last night but he really won a long time ago, when he married Michelle Robinson. Because with her by his side he benefits immensely from her brains, her support, her strength,her ideas, her energy, and, ultimately, her love. And the fact that he had the sense enough to recognize this, to recognize her, is what makes him all the more impressive.

Especially when so many of our brothers find loving one woman, being a father, and keeping their families stable and strong to be such a challenge. This is unfortunate on so many levels because without the recognition and the realization, that a woman that truly loves them is the ultimate source of strength and power, they will have no strength and power. Hopefully, though, Obama's new high profile status will be a continuous reminder of the importance of holding on to love, honoring love, and living a life filled with and fueled with love. Hopefully, he will inspire our brothers and sisters to really truly cherish their relationships. We all have hopes and dreams and shortcoming and weaknesses, but we all need one another. We all need that one person that has our back, no matter what. And even though Obama was first in his class at Harvard, one doesn't have to be a genius to figure out that finding, keeping, and loving a good strong beautiful Black woman is the greatest victory of all.

Madonna and Guy-The Material Girl Loses Her Boy Toy

2008-10-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

The rumors have been swirling for months but I try not to listen to rumors (although it's not easy in the media-saturated world we live in). I like facts. And it's a fact: Madonna and her younger husband Guy Ritchie are divorcing after 8 years. This is not a big deal or a big surprise to me or anyone else. But I must admit I am always disheartened when couples--famous or not--breakup. After all, I am a hopeless romantic who believes that love should conquer all. But of course, as I have learned the hard way, it really, really doesn't.

In this case I really didn't believe they were gonna breakup. Not because their love was so strong or they were such a great couple or anything like that, just because Madonna seems like a chick that doesn't go down without a fight. And maybe she did fight for him, for her marriage, for her family, but evidently she lost.

Or did she?

I mean, I'm an 80's baby who spent her High School years grooving to Madonna hits and biting her style (did someone say leggings, fishnets, and torn t-shirts?) and it always seemed to me that she always got exactly what she wanted. So maybe, despite media speculation that he wanted out, she wanted it to end. Maybe she was sick of his whining (which, I know first hand, is a consequence of being with a younger man--they whine, because, duh, they're babies). But I can't front. I, like miss Madonna, prefer my men young and pretty. Which is why I have a good feeling she might just be setting the stage for her new boo, that fine ass Alex Rodriguez who, by the way, is divorcing his wife right about now. Coincidence? I don't know. But knowing what I know about Madonna, I don't think so.

All I can say is, can you blame her? She's the one with the money and power. If Mr. Ritchie wasn't cutting it, if he was unhappy, if he was complaining and whining--she should do what she is doing: Let it go. Trust me, when you are a woman in touch with your sexuality and living life on your own terms, there is always a younger, cuter, smarter boo just waiting for the old, stupid one to mess up a good thing. This I know from personal experience, and trust me, it is oh so true!

Mark my word. Madonna is going to be just fine. Yes. Once Guy is gone, Madonna will be back! Think about it--her notoriously hot and horny ass is back on the market! This is going so to be fun to watch. All I can say is: "Where's the Party!?"

The New Boo

2008-10-01T11:18:00.000-07:00

Yes it's true. I have a new boo! He's sweet. He's smart. He's creative. And he's a cutie (just how I like 'em!) Still I'm going slow with this one--trying to learn from past mistakes, you know. But I have to wonder, do we ever really learn? When it comes to matters of the heart, no matter how cautious and controlled you attempt to be, at some point all logic and common sense are going to evaporate and you are going to go with what you're feeling? Right? Or is it possible to date someone and keep yourself detached long enough to find out if he is worth your time and energy? Or is it a cruel joke that the only way to really know if he's worth it, if the relationship can go the distance, is to go for it, jump in, enjoy the ride? Who knows? Definitely not me. I just know what mistakes I've made in the past and they are as follows:

Taken people for face value and not letting hem prove their intentions
Moving too damn fast
Jumping in the bed too damn soon
Ignoring idiosyncrasies and character flaws
Introducing him to family and friends when we have only been dating for a few months
Allowing him to be a distraction from my work and responsibilities

So this time out I will do the opposite or at least try to. The only good thing is that I'm not "head over heels" for this guy. Well at least not yet. And to tell you the truth I hope I don't become "head over heels" anytime soon. It's too time consuming and exhausting if you ask me. I like him. He likes me. That's enough. All that intense intimacy-can't live without you- you are the air I breathe -I need you -gotta have it stuff is not appealing to me. At all. What is appealing is getting to know someone new, enjoying his company, cherishing the time we spend together. That's it for now. Which is good, even great for me because I tend to over romanticize things. I mean I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks now and I'm fine with everything. The old me would have already started shopping for wedding dresses. The new me? Just shopping for movie tickets! I guess I'm growing up after all.

Pisces Moon

2008-09-15T19:23:00.000-07:00

For the past few days the moon has been full and powerful and beautiful. It was brought to my attention that the moon was in Pisces and since I'm a Pisces I found this intriguing. I know a bit about astrology but not much. I do of course know about my own sign and know that Pisces are creative, wise, sensual, and mercurial ( which some people interpret as flaky but whatever.) Anyway I felt the need to do something to honor and acknowledge this beautiful moon so I decided to participate in a Full Moon ceremony. I always get emails from this woman who does prayers and New and Full Moon ceremonies over the phone, like a teleconference, but I never participated in one until last night. I have done moon rituals when I was doing my Sacred Woman training with Queen Afua and learned about the wonderful feminine energy of the moon and how we can use it to heal us and guide us. These were "Sacred Circles" done with a group of women in the same space and they were powerful. But the one last night was via the phone so I wasn't expecting much. Still I called in anyway and was glad I did. I found the facilitator's voice to be very soothing and relaxing and when other women called in and announced where they were calling from-- Colorado, Mexico, California, Maine-- it was a good feeling knowing that although I was in Brooklyn there were other woman all over the country and the world that were participating in their own empowerment. The circles are sacred and confidential so I can't really discuss what went on but there was prayer, there was a water ritual, there were tears (at least on my part) because it was so beautiful and it reminded me of how beautiful I am and all women are by their very nature. Also, it is said that the New Moon is about attracting things into your life and The Full Moon is about letting go. And I'm always trying to let go. (Who isn't?)
I will surely participate again and recommend it to anyone who just needs a group to share with or to pray with or to simply experience the beauty of the moon with. If you want to sign up for a future ceremony,just visit spirittreasures.com. I highly recommend it for any woman who is feeling disconnected from herself and her source - the universe- and especially any woman who needs to release negative or toxic thoughts, habits and people from their lives.

JIll Scott: My "Ambassador of Quon"

2008-08-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you have ever seen the movie Jerry McGuire starring Tom Cruise and Cuba Gooding Jr., but I have. Many, many times. Alright I'll admit it. It's my favorite movie. So even though the flick was out about 12 years ago, I still go around calling people my Ambassadors of Quon. For those of you who don't know what the hell I'm talking about because you haven't seen the movie (which, by the way, is totally unacceptable), Quon is a term that Cuba's character used to describe a state of bliss, of having it all together, of being at peace with one's life and accomplishments. According to this definition, an "Ambassador of Quon" is one who represents Quon to the fullest and inspires people to reach their own state of Quondom. With all that said, I'll say this: Jill Scott is my ambassador of Quon.

I was reminded of her power, her presence on Monday night at Wingate Field where she performed. LIVE. I didn't even want to go because it looked like rain but Skye made me get up and go. I woulda stayed home but I guess the child did need some fresh air after all and it was free. So we went. And I'm so glad I did although at first they were giving us a hard time getting in. But my daughter would not take no for an answer. She was going to see herself some Jill Scott that night and nothing was going to stop her. I know that's right.

Anyway, the singer sang many of her hits and it was soo much fun, even a little spiritual. I mean, it threatened to rain all night but never ever did. The sky stayed clear and the temperature mild. It was prefect. I tell you , there's nothing like screaming out the lyrics to "Golden" or "Hate on Me' on a cool summer night with your fellow Brooklynites. It was a truly inspiring, magical experience. But the most magical moment was when she performed
"Lyzel in E Flat." We all know this song was written for her ex husband and know it had to be hard for her to sing. She acknowledged it by stating, right before starting to sing the song, "OK. Now. For the last time this year..." The audience held it's breath and she took a deep breath before launching into an operatic rendition of the song's introduction. "He loves me, especially different..." It was soo beautiful. And sad. And amazing because of the sadness. And the way she chose to sing the song gave it the tone and intensity of and Italian Operatic Tragedy. But just when you thought she was about to break, just when you though she and the audience was going to lose it, burst into tears, or start on some ole sadness, she flipped it. It went from straight up opera to a classic club song! The crowd cheered and everyone started dancing and jumping up and down to the beat. Never one to shy away from improvisation and reinventing her songs (and herself) Jill gave a much needed twist, jump and shout to the classic love song. It was like she was telling us all: Don't feel sorry for me. Yes I was sad for a while but that's behind me now. Now I'm celebrating. Now I'm dancing.

It just reiterated what I already know: When you have heartache and disappointment in your life, you have to flip it in your favor. You have to let go of the past and enjoy what's staring straight at you in your face in the present. And that's exactly what Jill Scott did on Monday night in Brooklyn during what was her last performance in The States (she's off to share her fabulous voice with Africa). She made lemonade out of lemons, turned darkness into light, found the good in the bad. And for that, she is, indeed, my "Ambassador of Quon."

I like being alone! I know! Who Knew!

2008-08-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

I wish I could tell you that I haven't blogged in a minute because I've been so busy dating that I just haven't had the time. But that wouldn't be the truth. The truth is, I have been on deadline for a screenplay submission (I finished it finally! Yeah!) and I'm taking an independent study photography course of which I have to have all my materials submitted, like soon. So so sorry for neglecting you dear blog and blog readers. But I have some serious work to do and sometimes I get overwhelmed.

Now don't get me wrong. I have been on a few dates as a result of my online dating membership ( four to be exact). But so far there has been no all consuming love connection. I did enjoy a great sushi dinner, get some great stock tips, and visit the legendary wine cellar at the 21 Club in Manhattan. And it's been fun. It's always nice to meet new people but for the most part the encounters have been boring and strange. Sorry to disappoint you. Wish I had something more fascinating to report but I don't-at least not yet.

I have made one discovery, though. I like being alone! I know! Who knew? I've been so busy mourning my last relationship and looking for a new love, baby, that it never occurred to me that spending time alone is quite refreshing.

I discovered this by chance actually. I had to visit the Whitney Museum to check out a Robert Mapplethorpe photography exhibit (very interesting and inspiring, by the way). Initially I invited my home girl Lydia to go with me but she had to go to a listening party. Then I thought about inviting a male friend or one of my "dates" from the online dating spot. But instead I went alone. And I gotta tell you, walking around the large museum alone (well there were other visitors of course but you know what I mean) was amazing. I went from floor to floor at my own leisure. Stopped to take notes when I needed to and just stopped and stare din awe when the spirit moved me. I wasn't concerned about another person--if they liked the art work or not, if they wanted to go to another floor, if they were waiting for me or I for them. Instead I stayed in my own head (which is a very complex an interesting place to be), enjoyed the wonderful air conditioning (it was 89 degrees in the city that day), and looked at art for hours. I had such a wonderful experience --alone--that it was quite refreshing. In fact, I highly recommend it. I mean this is New York City. Pick a play or a show or an exhibit or something you like and or interested in and just go it alone. You'll feel so sophisticated and grown up. I know I did.

Like A Virgin

2008-07-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

I went on my first "blind" date this week. It was with a guy I met online (no--not the one I had a crush on in high school! I've decided to leave the past in the past) and I must admit it was kinda scary. I'd never done anything like that before so I was nervous and insecure and wary, yet a little excited. I felt like a cyber-virgin, dating online for the very first time.

Despite my fears, I went ahead at met the guy. It was broad daylight and I made sure we met at a place I know. I tried to be safe and smart by following the rules and advice cyber-dating veterans have shared with me:

Don't leave your drink at the table -he could slip a "date rape" drug into it

Don't let him know where you live- in case he's a stalker

Don't talk too much--listen and learn

Don't wear anything too revealing--don't want to look like all you're looking for is sex (except, of course, if that is all you're looking for)

Don't have more than 2 alcoholic beverages-- don't want to get too comfortable too fast

Armed with these tips, I went ahead and met the guy. You want to know why? Because of all the guys I chatted with online since last week , he was the funniest, smartest, and most mature. Still, I was meeting a stranger and was expecting an awkward conversation in an uncomfortable situation. It was nothing like that! He was smiling and handsome and easy to talk with. We laughed, learned a little about each other, and basically had a great time. He's since called and ask me to meet him for dinner next week. I guess that's a good sign. So we'll see where it goes. I'm just glad I got it over with and went ahead, faced my fears and met someone new. Not so sure he's "the one" but he's an interesting , successful and attractive guy. Nice to know there are some out there. But if he's out there, there has to be more like him, right? Of course. So needless to say I'm going to enjoy this. I'm going to keep dating. I'm going to see what else is out there. I think it will be good for me. I think I have been a victim of sticking to the same types of guys, meeting people at the same types of places. I think it's time to step out of my comfort zone and stop limiting myself, don't you?

High School Reunion

2008-07-08T18:30:00.000-07:00

O.K. So I decided to check out a matchmaking website. I think it's time to meet some new people. And after my homegirl D. met a great guy online and is now engaged, I say it's worth a shot. But I'm not sure I want to sign up yet or anything-- I really am crazy busy and am not 100% ready to pursue a serious relationship. But these websites are supposed to be for dating and companionship, too, right?

So I went ahead and went on, put in my specifications, hit the button, and the first person that popped up was a guy I had a crush on in High School!!! He has salt and pepper grey hair now (and it looks good) but I recognized his smile and face immediately. I couldn't help but say to myself "What the..." I want to meet new people, not some old High School crush.

Admittedly, I smiled, even laughed at the coincidence or whatever you want to call it. I mean after all these years I guess I still like the same type of guys. Not so sure that is a good thing. Then again I can look at it is as a second chance to possibly hook up with a guy I always found interesting (even though I was too shy--yes, I was shy in High School (sometimes)--to ever approach him or make my presence known but he never did approach me either). He went to a totally different school anyway and I would only see him at sports events when I was on the cheerleading team. I would watch him from afar--he was cute and smart and different and it's obvious I still like him after all these years (don't you dare ask how many). But I didn't wink at him. I was just looking. Besides, just because I wink at him doesn't mean he will wink back at me although I honestly doubt he will remember me at all anyway. Uggh!!! I feel like I'm in High School all over again! Then again I have grown into a wonderful woman, and he would be really missing out (again). Maybe I should go ahead and give him an opportunity to meet the grown up me. Or maybe this is a chance for me to get to know someone that I never had the chance to connect with before. Or maybe I need to get out and stay out of the past already!!!

Obviously, I need help with this.

So what do you think?

Should I sign up and wink at the guy from High School or not? I need your opinion--now!

(See poll to the left and feel free to comment).

Engagement News

2008-07-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

Gotta take a sec to congratulate my girl D. on her engagement. I hadn't seen her in over a year--ever since she moved out of Brooklyn to bigger and better horizons. Still we spoke via phone occasionally and she told me about a guy she was seeing, someone she actually met online who happened to be from Brooklyn, too. At the time she didn't sound serious-- she was clearly feeling him and the whole situation out. But when she passed through NYC last weekend, she was sporting an engagement ring.
I guess she has felt him and the situation out after all.

She looked so happy . She was literally glowing!! I'm so excited for her, wishing her the best although I'm always wary -can't help it knowing all the things that she and I and so many others have been through in the past. The operative word, though, is PAST--which you clearly have to put behind you before you can move towards the future. I'm still working on that one but as for my girl D. I'm not worried because she has always had a good head on her shoulders. I'm also not worried because I know she is not marrying this guy coming from a place of need or desperation--she is indeed a whole person. She is indeed a self-sufficient woman. She is indeed in charge of her own happiness. She wanted to move out of NY--she did it. She needed to get rid of a stupid loser boyfriend--she did it. She wanted to get a second Master's degree--she did it. She wanted to become a school, principal--she's doing it. She's self-fulfilled and strong and smart and of course gorgeous (as all my girls are!) and I can't wait for the wedding.

But it seems that hers is not the only recent engagement. I hear Jill Scott is marrying her drummer. If so, I am so happy for her 'cause I know that divorce she went through had to be fierce. Still, Jill, another musician? I guess she likes--well,loves--those creative types. But she's so creative on her own I kinda pictured her with a lawyer or athlete this time around. But Lord knows she knows what's best for her so I'll wish her congratulations,too.

With all this news of love and finding life partners I'm so happy and optimistic (even though I haven't started seeing anybody seriously, yet) because I know if it's possible for them, it's possible for me, and it's possible for you, too. It makes me smile and gives me hope that I'll someday find my soul mate. In the meantime, I have some soul searching to do and self-fulfillment to realize. So I'm off to enjoy the process. Actually, I'm off to babysit for my sister in Connecticut but I'm taking my journal and my camera and I'm looking forward to being reflective and creative. I'm looking forward to enjoying some "me" time while I can because I know in my heart that the " we" is just around the corner. Until then, I'll be concentrating on getting my self-fulfillment on, big time.

Not Older, Better!!!

2008-06-19T18:36:00.000-07:00

One of my very best friends, Lydia, turned mumble-mumble years old this week. (You know I'll never tell her age--she will surely kill me and there would be over 15 years of friendship right down the drain along with my blood from the stab wounds inflicted). I don't want to put all of her business in the street but you do need to know she is a creative, beautiful, talented woman. She's a singer and a great friend (she'd have to be to put up with me) and I'm so blessed to know her because she is many things but mostly she is funnnnyyyy!!! And anyone who knows her knows it's true. And thank God for her humor. She's kept me in stitches during family tragedies, job losses, and of course broken hearts. Many times I would not have made it without her. She has taught me the art of laughing at myself (and others) and I'm so better for it. I do think that is the secret to her youth and beauty---find the funny.
And boy do we find the funny.

And boy did we find the funny on Tuesday when we went to one of our favorite restaurants, Cancun on 8th Ave. and cut up. Margaritas were enjoyed, tequila shots were conquered, Mexican hats were sported and short but cute waiters were awed. Lydia is sooo silly. I so enjoyed watching her in her element and I'm sure her friends Monica and Celeste did, too. But since we're not getting older only better we headed over to the new Black "hotspot" Tillman's for night caps. Very funky DJ. Very bougie crowd. But we didn't care. We sat at the bar and enjoyed the soul music and laughed at our own jokes and scoped guys and enjoyed ourselves nonetheless. All this to say--hope it was a good Birthday, Lydia! And I'm looking forward to celebrating many more.
I also just want to say:
Thank you for being a friend....Traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true. You're a pal and a confidant...Oh, shoot! I'm singing the theme song from The Golden Girls. I must be getting older. No! No! Not older, better!!!

Close Call

2008-06-12T17:03:00.001-07:00

I don't know if you know but the city has been crazy hot for the past few days. Old people had to be hospitalized. Kids were crying. Power was going out all over the place. And the streets were sweltering. But that was nothing compared to heat that was coming from between my legs. Yes dammit I said it. I was crazy hot from the heat and I was horny too. Talk about miserable. Usually I'll exercise or take a yoga class--sweat it out--when I'm feeling like this but it was already hot. I was already sweating. I didn't feel like exercising I only wanted to do one thing and one thing only and I'm sure you can guess what it was. To my defense, I'm a big girl who can handle her bouts of horniness very well thank you. But it's something about the summer heat and sucking on ice and being home walking around in panties and a bra and being all sticky and sweaty that I found extremely distracting. I couldn't concentrate. All I could do was sweat. And so I am sitting home sweating and--don't you know it!!-the phone rings. Oh yeah. And on the other line, panting like a dog in heat, was my ex, telling me he was thinking about me all day. Telling me about his erection at work. Telling me all sorts of things but after the erection part I stooped listening. In my head I was already in the bed with him. Rolling around in the sheets. Still sweating, yes, but now with a purpose! One thing I can say about the relationship was that despite our differences and problems the sex was friggin' amazing. I sometimes think I was really in love with the sex more than I was in love with him. Or maybe not. Can't go there in my mind and try to figure all of that out right now. I'm too busy trying to figure out why I didn't just go for it, get my needs met, get a good one in with the ex for old times sake. But of course all joking aside I know why. Because I knew better. What would have been the point? I am going to be horny again next week, and definitely next month. And I'm not in a relationship. I'm not married. I'm not in love. I don't have a steady beau. So this is going to have to be my problem. I am going to have to handle this like the grown woman I am. And, for me, jumping in the bed with an ex who already broke my heart or even someone I just met who has no clues to the depths of my heart is not at all appealing. So instead of telling my ex to come over, I told him good night, hung up the phone, poured myself a glass of ice water and took a cool bath. Ahhh. But it was, indeed, a close call. Phew! Real close.

Promises Promises

2008-06-04T14:17:00.000-07:00

Yes I know I promised pictures from my borther's wedding and here they are. Well, here are some of them.

Needless to say, it was a beautiful wedding and I had a ball. I mean, it's not everyday that your little brother gets married! And so I ate and drank and danced and laughed and took pictures and surprised myself at how happy I allowed myself to be. Yes. I must admit I was a little scared that I would get all weepy and sappy, that I would feel sorry for myself and do the whole woulda coulda shoulda thing. But no. I didn't lament over what went wrong in my last relationship, or wonder when my wedding day would come because in that moment none of that mattered. All that mattered was that my brother was happy and my family was beautiful. There was so much real genuine love all around me that even if there was a little melancholy in me, it could not survive in such an atmosphere. Thank God. Because I think of how I was just a few months ago, right around Valentine's Day to be exact--and it surprises me. Yes children. Back then, mama was a mess. My mind kept replaying conversations and situations; I couldn't stop thinking about him, me, we,us.

Finally,thankfully I did stop thinking about the past and was able to enjoy a beautiful priceless moment unencumbered by my own issues. But how did I do it? i"ll tell you. What I did at the wedding and everyday before and since--I stayed in the moment. I lived my life. I took care of myself. I stayed positive. I stayed busy. Then I looked up and I was okay. That's not to say that my ex never crosses my mind. Oh, he does (especially when it rains). But that's to be expected. Thing got much easier for me emotionally once I accepted the situation. And guess at the end of the day that's all one can do--accept the past and plan for the future.Oh, yeah! It's so on. NO looking back, right?

WTF?!!!Usher is Calling it Quits--ALREADY!!!

2008-05-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

With all the commotion of my brother's wedding and the Memorial Day weekend I guess I've been out of the loop for a few days. But it has come to my attention that Usher and his wife of nine months are separating. All I could think of when I found out was--for real? I mean I knew their situation was a little shady to start with. She is kinda, shall I say, mature. We all know his momma sure doesn't like her. Plus, they broke up, got back together and then come to find out she's pregnant (which, by the way, is the oldest trick in the book and if Usher fell for it well, then...) Still. I am a romantic at heart and I was kinda hoping it would work. I like that Usher--he sure can dance. And during my very few, very brief encounters with him he always seemed like a level-headed, down to earth, centered young man. So yeah. I was hoping that their little love thing was real--I'm all for the Black family, y'all. Don't get it twisted. But I guess not. I guess he shoulda stayed with Chili after all. How much you wanna bet that he regrets messing that up with his young and naive self!? Oh, well. You live and learn (sometimes!!)

Wedding Bells!!!

2008-05-23T07:56:00.001-07:00

Yes my friends Wedding Bells are ringing. No they are not mine (yet!) but they are beautiful just the same. Tomorrow morning my little brother, Dr. Akiyomi Fields, is getting married. He is finally hooking up with his beautiful girlfriend Simone. My family is in an excited frenzy; this is the first big wedding we've had in years. The last one was when my older sister Keina married her husband Anthony in Brooklyn ---sixteen years ago! And yes they are still together. So everyone is running around buying gifts, getting groomed, doing last minute errands, getting ready for the big wedding and so am I. Thankfully, I have avoided getting stressed out about the whole thing. I want to enjoy this so I refuse to get caught up in any confusion and frenzy.

I admit as the day approached I did panic--what will I wear? Will I find a dress that I like and that I can afford? But I took a deep breath and opened my closet. Sitting in a box were a pair of shoes I bought on sale two years ago--and have never worn. But they were on sale--like 60% off-- and I couldn't leave them in the store even though I didn't know when or if I would ever wear them. Now I know! I also found a great dress a few weeks ago but had to have it altered. The woman did such a great job I am in awe. I really like it because although it's for this wedding, the style and color is such that I can wear it again to another party, at a different celebration, and I have a good feeling that there are gonna be alot of fun celebrations in my future. As for now, I can't wait to step into my dress and celebrate. Skye also has a great floor length gown and we are both going to look fabulous. In fact, my whole family is going to be divine--we are a good lookin' bunch if I must say so myself. My camera is ready and I'm going to take a bunch of pictures. Don't worry, I'll be sure to post some for you all so you can check us out.

I'm not the official photographer for this, though. At first my brother asked me if I wanted to do it but I though about it and told him no, advised him to hire someone else because although I love working weddings and always do a great job, photographing weddings can be stressful and it's WORK. I wanna party! I wanna drink champagne! I wanna catch up with my uncles and cousins who I haven't seen in years, who are traveling from all over the country. And I wanna be IN the pictures!! So on that note, I'm off to get my hair done.

But not before I give a shout out of congratulations to another couple who I have loved for years-- ANGIE and JESSIE!! Yes I am aware that they are not a real couple, that they only exist on daytime television, but I don't care.

I watched All My Children all through my teenage years and as we all know Angie and Jessie were the hot, exciting, Black love story that ended in tragedy. So when it was recently discovered that Jessie wasn't dead (soap operas kill me with the way they kill characters and bring them back from the dead!) and he and Angie finally reconciled I made a point of trying to catch the show. This is not so easy these days as I am no longer a frivolous teenager with time to waste but a grown woman with bills and responsibilities and projects and deadlines. Still, when I get the chance I do pop on the show. I did this the other day while answering emails and there they were--walking down the aisle. It was really beautiful. Ne-yo was singing and Angie was glowing! Damn, Black really doesn't crack because she looks good. And Jessie didn't look so bad himself but I think I know one of his secrets--he does Bikram Yoga like me! I saw him in class this weekend and was staring, trying to figure out where I knew him from and when I finally did I just smiled. No I didn't run up to him or say anything to him--I wanted to focus on my breathing and stretching just like I'm so sure he did. So I left the brother alone and got back to the matter at hand but it was funny to see him off the screen, in real life. It was eve better seeing him a few days later, walking down the aisle, looking well-groomed, happy and all in love with Angie (even if he was only acting).

So Black love is in the air. Wedding bells are ringing. God is good. Love is real!!! I can't wait till it's my turn. I can't wait to finally walk down the aisle with the man I love. But actually, I can wait. I'm in no rush. Because I know it's not a joke and I know it will come in time. And I also know I refuse to settle or compromise--why should I?!! I've waited this long, been through ups and downs, endured heartbreak after heart break only to come out of it stronger, better, wiser, more beautiful. Why would I ever settle? Don't worry about it because I never will. So when you find out I'm getting married, know that the man is something special and that I AM IN LOOOOOVE!!!

Happy 89th Birthday Grandma Marie

2008-05-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

Anybody who has ever met my grandmother Marie knows she is one of a kind. A South Carolina raised, Brooklyn born original diva! Yes! She is is sassy, strong , stylish and always--I mean always --says exactly what's on her mind. My dear Grandma Marie turned 89 yesterday!!! 89!!! I'm in awe. Where does she get the energy? The optimism? I'm only thirtysomething and I sure get tired sometimes. But, because of my grandmother I remain inspired. She raised a bunch of kids, buried a husband ( and, unfortunately, a few babies and grand babies along the way) but she still keeps on trucking. And she makes the best Thanksgiving Dinner you'll ever experience (if you're lucky). But most of all she gives the best advice, especially when it comes to men. Never one to tolerate trifling behavior she has always emphasized so that I never forget: Chile, there's always more fish in the sea!!!

So on that note, I've begun to put myself out there, meet different people, and accept phone numbers from guys (I'm not giving out my phone number anymore--I really like being in control right about now). I even have a date next week with a guy my cousin hooked me up with and I'm kinda looking forward to it. I mean even if it's not a "love connection" I'm looking forward to being picked up at my door (yeah!! he has a car!! I can wear some slamming heels!!)) and dropped home like a lady, dammit.

I admit for a while there I wasn't feeling the whole meet guys /dating/ flirting/moving on thing. I even went dancing with my girls Lydia, Hattie, Celeste and Monica a few weeks ago and was oblivious to all the boys coming for the girl. Monica had to ask me later why I didn't get any numbers, despite that fact that there were a coupla cuties circling me. I didn't even know what to say. It's just that I went out to dance--and dance I did--not to pick up guys. But when you are a single girl in NY, you can't keep your head (or heart) buried forever. I mean I'm (relatively :)) young and admittedly attractive. Who knows what the future holds? If I'm lucky and blessed enough to live as long as my Gradma Marie, that means I have a lifetime of living and loving to do. I guess I better get to it!

How Young is Too Young?

2008-04-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

I know its a been a minute, dear readers, but I have been crazy busy and it's making me crazy. But I won't complain. At last I can get a little rest this weekend as opposed to last weekend when I was running around for three days photographing the 9th National Black Writer's Conference at Medgar Evers College. It was work but it was fun and interesting, too. Hearing all the speakers and panelists and authors like Randal Robinson, Kevin Powell, Cornel West and many others, I couldn't help but be inspired. So maybe on second thought, I'll do some writing this weekend.

I must admit though that the highlight for me was meeting Terrie McMillan who participated in a discussion about publishing and selling black literature. She was her usual self which means she was quite candid. While commenting on the blatant sexism of the ghetto literature, encouraging writers to support Black bookstores and promoting the work of a new short story writer named Kuwai Hart Hemmings (whose book "House of Themes" so impressed Ms. McMillan that she had to read from it right then and there) she did the unthinkable: made clear reference to her scandalous marriage to that younger man who turned out to be gay, saying, and I paraphrase: "I want to know how a man can be married for over ten years and lie to his wife everyday. I want to know how he slept at night, how that felt, living a lie." The audience was shocked but they really shouldn't have been because no matter what you think about the writer --some say she's too sassy and a bit abrasive---you can't deny the fact that she is real.

After her discussion she was on hand to sign autographs and I was surprised how approachable she was. She hugged old ladies, took business cards, even gave out her email address to a few individuals. She even let me get a picture of us together but the picture sucks.

I look tired and beat with no makeup (which I was--I had been working that gig for three days!) and she had on the screw face which my girlfriend (and you know who you are) referred to as the my man left me cause he was gay face. When I told said friend that this was not funny because these days with all these brothers on the damn down low it could have happened to any of us, she disagreed, convinced that she and even most women would have at some point looked sideways at his tall feminine lip gloss wearing self.

Anyway I was happy to get my picture and even asked her to write the introduction to my book (of course she said no but wished me luck on my endeavors as an author). I guess my question was kind of bold and presumptuous but I would have been mad at myself if I'd let that opportunity pass even though I knew good and well she would say no. But I had to ask. I'm from Brooklyn and we don't play that. We take advantage of any and every opportunity that comes across our paths. Still we did talk a little and she says she's still writing and is working on a novel called "Getting to Happy" which she admitted she is still trying to do. I know she has to be devastated ,embarrassed, but she's keeping her figure and doing her work so I'm actually proud of her because chile, I think many women might have fallen apart behind that kind of heartbreak, disappointment and public humiliation. Me personally, I think I might have killed the negro. I know. I know. But also I know me and there ain't no way in hell I wouldn't have wanted to physically hurt him. (Did I mention I'm from Brooklyn?)

Many people didn't see it coming--his coming out that is, but were wary of the relationship because of the significant age difference. Wasn't she like 40 and he 19 when they met? I think it was something like that. I must admit I thought it a little odd but I like younger guys, too ,so who was I to judge. And then when he revealed his true sexuality, what it really came down to is that he didn't really know who he was when they met. This is, in my experience,the ultimate issue in dating guys that are significantly younger than I am. They are still trying to figure out who they are and what they want out of life and I've pretty much got that all figured out, thank you very much.

Still I seem to attract guys at the extreme. They are either much older than me or much younger than me. For instance, a few weeks ago, I met a interesting young man at an art exhibit and gave him my number. When he called I asked him how old he was and he said 22!! 22!! I had to laugh. Of course I was flattered and my ego jumped in my ear and said girl you fly, you can still pull 'em young. Then my curiosity jumped in and said, damn what does this young dude have going on that makes him so bold and confident as to step to my grown ass. Then my senses stepped in and said, this will be a colossal waste of your time. I mean I've dated younger guys-my ex was nine years my junior and that's probably why it didn't work out-but 22? That's a little young, don't you think?But then again, how young is too young? He's asked me to go to a friend's exhibit with him next week but I haven't decided if I'm going to go yet. But if I do, I'll be sure to tell you all about it.

Springing Forward.

2008-03-26T11:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm taking my own advice and have gotten myself a new look. I actually like it! It's been almost a week since the haircut and I have been able to maintain it quite well. It's a little conservative for me but I have to admit it was time to retire the afro puff!! ( I do have a feeling it will be back from time to time. ) It wasn't easy letting it go but last week, when I was having pictures taken for my book promos and stuff, I decided what the heck? He's Gone.. I'm back, you know! I was tired of feeling sad, tired of looking at my tired look in the mirror. Now, I feel great and fresh and ready to face the spring.

Some people were really shocked when they saw them because I'm always so casual. My brother even joked that I looked like I was attacked by a straightening comb and a makeup bag, which, I guess, I was. It was fun, though and I admit a bit therapeutic. Because let's face it, my ego has been a bit bruised lately and I have found myself wondering if I am still vibrant and attractive (a breakup can do that to a girl). But having my hair done and my makeup applied and my picture taken was great fun and right on time because spring is the time to cleanse, to let go, and to bloom. I'm trying, y'all, to Spring Forward, get ready for my great future, and not look back.

Spring Has Sprung!!

2008-03-20T12:35:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of spring. Yeeeahh! I'm looking forward to the warmer weather and sunnier days. One thing I learned from my recent trip to Arizona and Mexico--the weather does affect my moods. When I was away--in the sun--I was optimistic, happy, and even had some new insights into my poor old relationship. I had a moment of clarity (while sipping a Pina Colada) about it and was actually thankful to the man for moving on. I mean really, if you don't think you can handle it anymoe, leave me alone please. Don't stay around and treat me like crap. Keep it moving! But the moment I got back to the city--it was cloudy and grey and raining--I was all sad and feeling all lonely. WTF?!!!Thankflly I didn't fall apat and realized it was the weather. But now seasons are changing, spring has sprung and sunny days are on the horizon. I must be in a good mood because I'm not even obsessing about losing weight for the summer. I mean I just got back from laying in the sun in a tankini and I'll admit I have some giggly parts and bulging areas. But you know what? So what! I felt great so I looked great. Not to say that I don't want to get my body together once and for all, just to say I'm not going to let and extra twenty (or thirty!!) pounds limit my life. Imagine if I would have said I'm not going to Mexico because I need to lose weight? I would have missed out on some serious sunshine. What if I would have said oh I'm not taking any pictures for my book because I need to lose weight? I would not have been in Eric Von Lockardt's studio on Tuesday taking wonderful pictures. I actually enjoyed the shoot, even though I had to such my stomach in!! Hey, it's me. This is what I'm working with. I need to change, I need to get healthier, I need to lose weight, but I also need to love myself exactly the way I am. So that's my challenge to you, my readers. Let's enjoy the warm weather and love ourselves no matter what--fat, skinny, broke or banking! Because if we don't, who will?

Escape from New York

2008-03-11T12:12:00.000-07:00

It seems like everybody and their mama has been reading this book "Eat. Pray.Love." thanks in large part to Oprah who featured the writer on her show and continues to rave about the book every chance she gets. So I went ahead and got the book and recently finished it. I must admit it was interesting reading about a divorced, miserable, brokenhearted woman who picked up and traveled through Italy and India and Bali for almost a year in a valiant effort to find a spiritual meaning behind her heartache.

Now that's all fine and good for her but as for me, I can't afford to go anywhere for a whole year just to heal my aching heart. A part of me thinks it would be nice but another part thinks it might drive me officially insane. I mean ,a year with nothing but time on my hands to think about my ex? Uhmmm, I don't think so. I do know that sometimes it is good to get away, to get things in perspective, to remove yourself from a situation so you can really look at it, assess it, leave it in the past , and make plans for the future.

So on that note, I did decide to take a trip to Arizona to visit an old elementary school friend who I haven't seen in years. She has been wanting me to come out for a minute, I had some business to take care of out there, and I figured that with everything I've been through with my relatinship falling a[part right in front of my eyes, the imimg couldn't have been better. As I write this I am not in New York City, not in 40 degree weather, not dealing with the subways, not constantly being reminded of my ex because of all the places we used to go in the city. Instead I am writing this as I sit by the pool under the sun in my bathing suit. Which is nothing compared to how I spent my birthday on Sunday--sitting on the beach in Mexico, looking at the ocean, sipping Pina Coladas. Happy birthday to me!! I read magazines, paperback novels, and wrote in my journal. I also took advantage of the cleansing air and atmosphere of the beach to write and release my Let Go Let Go Letter which is basically a letter you write to yourself listing the things and people you need to let go of and the reasons why. Then you can burn it or, if you are near an ocean like I was, just place it in the water and watch it float way. It was a good way to get the relationship off of my mind although I mus admit that being relaxed and buzzed in the sun in a beautiful foreign country I really wasn't thinking about any of that. Ex boyfriend who? Failed relationship what?

Yes, there is something to be said for getting away while your heart heals. I highly recommend that you do it if you can, even if it's only for a few days. We`all can't be like the Eat. Pray. Love. lady but we can, if necessary, find a way to get away. I'm sure glad I did.

But I know I'll be back in Brooklyn before I know it--on Saturday to be exact--so I'm going to go jump in the pool now. Ciao!

Friends. For Real?

2008-03-04T11:50:00.000-08:00

I've been a little under the weather the past few days--sleeping, praying, reading (check out this week's Book of the Week). So, I'm lying in the bed feeling sick and my phone rings. It's HIM. After two weeks of no communication (except for a feeble IM from him which I ignored) he calls. I was sick and dizzy and tired and picked up the phone without looking at the caller ID (I'll learn). He asked me how I was doing but it didn't take a genius--after hearing my tired voice and labored breathing--to figure out I wasn't doing well, at all. He sounded concerned and asked if there was anything he could do. I assured him I was OK for the most part and that my mom and daughter were on hand and being helpful. I thanked him for calling, told him to take care, hung up, and went back to sleep.

A few hours later, there is a knock on my door. My mom had gone back home and my daughter was with friends across the hall. Maybe she left her key, I figured angrily, and dragged myself to the door only to see--you guessed it-HIM- standing there, smiling. He was looking goofy and cute and oh, hell. I let him in and accepted my gift of warm peppermint tea and cookies. He said he couldn't stay long he just wanted to stop by--I didn't sound so good on the phone. I was cordial and polite and be fore I knew it we were talking like old friends--about his job, my company, his mom, my family. I must admit it was nice but a little awkward--I mean wasn't he the enemy? The guy who had broken my heart? Who met me, seduced me, made me love him then said some shit like he "wasn't ready"! Shouldn't I have spat in his face and slammed the door?

Oh my head was spinning. I wrapped up the visit and was relieved when he left. I can't lie, though, it was good to see him and to know that he gives a damn, even a little. But still. There's something that's not healthy here. After everything we've been through--the good and the bad--the fact that we could talk and laugh like friends was refreshing and frightening. Refreshing because it was good to see him and catch up. Frightening because I do still care for him but it's clear we cant be a couple so I really don't want to start stirring up old feelings.

Some people say out of sight out of mind but for me, so far, this has not been true. All I have been doing since our breakup is thinking about him and obsessing about the relationship (thus the blog--duhhrrr!!) And it's been working for me, for the most part. But still, that was when we weren't in communication, weren't calling each other and surely weren't visiting each other!!

So I guess what I want to know is--is it safe or smart to maintain a friendship with my ex? I mean, we have a lot in common, it's not like either of us cheated on each other (that I know of--hey!), or there was any kind of physical or verbal abuse. Just two people at different places in their lives. But can we--should we--be friends?

Your Votes Are in!

2008-02-27T18:21:00.000-08:00

Well, according to my survey question:

How long before a breakup should someone start dating again?

1/3 of you said Immediately and 2/3 of you said Three Months.

So three months seems to be the consensus which makes sense to me. Because honestly, I can't even see myself dating anyone right now. Maybe I'm a little too raw or just not interested. Or maybe both because I actually met a pretty handsome man a couple of days ago who was interesting and creative. But when he called me (yes, I did give him my number if that's all right with you. Shoot! I'm am single now, remember) and we spoke briefly, I immediately realized I don't have the energy or interest that it takes to talk and tell somebody about myself and my life and my likes and dislikes then try to figure out who they are and what they're all about and what they want and if they are saying what they really mean or...arggggh!!!

So no. I'm not ready.

But I will be, inevitably. It's not like I never want to date or even fall in love again. I mean I'm hurt, not dead. And I like men too much to swear them off forever. They really are fun and charming--until they break your heart, of course.

Soooo... I guess I'll take three months to wrap my head around the idea of dating, of getting to know someone new, of getting to know someone well enough to trust them, to be intimate with them, to open myself up to them, (because really. If you can't be vulnerable then what's the point?) to allow them to open themselves up to me...

Soooo... I guess this is going to be an interesting three months.

And the Winner Is...

2008-02-25T13:07:00.000-08:00

The Oscars were last night and I must say last night's show was BOORING!!! I was disappointed in Jenifer Hudson's dress (google it, girls, you'll see what I mean) and mad that Ruby Dee lost. I mean, after 50 years in the industry they could have given it to her. Cmon! Oh, well. I'm sure she's fine--after all she had a prize that no one could ever take away from her: Ossie Davis. Before he passed away in his sleep a few years ago, they were together for real, on screen and off. He the actor, the writer,the genius, she the beauty, the actress, the thespian. What they had was so sweet and special. I guess deep down that's what we all want. You know what, I can't speak for you but for me, yes. I want my Ossie Davis! Someone who shares my interests, loves me, lets me love him, won't flake on me and won't allow me to flake on him!

Another actress who I was acutely interested in but who wasn't there (or at least I didn't see her) was Mary Lousie Parker. She's stars on the Showtime series "Weeds" and was in one of my favorite moves "Fried Green Tomatoes." But right now she's got my attention for being recently engaged to the cute guy who played Denny Duquette on Grey's Anatomy, actor Jeffery Dean Morgan.

Under normal circumstances I really wouldn't give a damn about this woman's love life, but you don't understand.

In 2003 her boyfriend,actor Billy Crudup, walked out on her after they had been dating for seven years. Okay. Ouch. That had to hurt. But there's more. He left her for a younger woman, actress Clair Danes (they are no longer together, either). Hold on. That's not it. Mary Louse Parker was EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT with His Child!!!!

I always felt so bad for her when I read about it (which had to make it worse for her, having her business all up in every newspaper).

Obviously she had her baby, a son, and went on with her life and career. (By the way what's up with Billy Crudup's career these days? Just wondering). But I know it could not have been easy for her. Which is why I was so happy when I heard about her new boo!! I mean, I'm so happy! Really! When is the wedding? I actually want to send the woman a wedding present because come on!! If anybody deserves it, it's her. She's the poster girl for all woman who have ever been hurt by a jerk! She went through the fire and made it to the other side! Mary Louise Parker, you're my hero! (Well, today, anyway!)

Total Eclipse of the Heart

2008-02-22T05:21:00.001-08:00

As I'm sure you all know by now there was lunar eclipse on Wednesday. It's a rare and beautiful thing and I am so glad I was able to see it, thanks to my twelve year old daughter. She convinced me to go with her on our fire escape so we could see it in all of it's glory. My daughter's name is Skye, so I guess it's fitting that she was the catalyst for the evening's highlight which included the following: we looked up, took it in, smiled, took a few pictures, said a few prayers, and made a few wishes upon a few stars.

It was fun and it made me think of an old pop/rock song from the 80's, "Total Eclipse of The Heart." It's by a singer whose name I can't recall, a blond woman with big hair (well, most blond women had big hair in the 80's) and a really raspy voice. I know my 80's babies know the song; it was a big hit back in the day. Suffice it to say, the song came to mind as I was looking up at the February moon. My heart is going though a total eclipse! Seriously!!! This time last year I was so in love and almost sure that I had found The One. Now, this year, not so much.

The song was a lament to lost love and the lyrics went something like "Once upon a time I was falling in love/Now I'm only falling apart/Nothing I can say/Total eclipse of the heart." Thankfully, I'm not falling apart (I don't have the time this time around), rather I find that I'm flip flopping. One minute I'm at peace with my decision(it's all for the best, I learned a lot, at least I only wasted a year, it wasn't all bad, etc., etc.) the next minute I'm mad ('I know I told you to leave me alone but how dare you actually listen. Oh now you wanna do what I say!!!', etc., etc.) One minute I'm listening to my girl Jill Scott's uplifting songs like "One is The Magic Number", "Slowly Surely" and "I Keep/Still" the next minute I'm blasting Kelis' "I Hate You So Much Right Now" (thanks to a tip from one of this blogger's readers. It does release stress! See, I do read your comments).

The good thing about eclipses are, they signify transformation and change. Universal change. Unique change. I mean, these things are so rare, these Total Lunar Eclipses, and somehow I find it comforting that I got to experience it. Somehow I know the universe is supporting my decision ( no matter how difficult) to make a change, to move on, to let go. Ultimately, though, I know the universe has something much better in store for me, for you, for us all. I'm talking health wise, money wise, wisdom wise (hee-hee), and men wise. I can feel it! Can't you?

I WILL SURVIVE

2008-02-18T12:18:00.000-08:00

So Valentine's Day has come and gone and I made it. I didn't fall apart, I didn't call my ex (even though I though about it). I got dressed and went out to my friend's party. Craig Roseberry (aka DJ Shifty) released a music compilation called Moods:You, The Night and The Music. It was perfect timing and I'm so glad I went although I did, for a brief moment, consider the alternative: Sitting home, being sad and feeling sorry for myself. But, thankfully, I stuck with my first impulse which was to go out and dance. And boy did I dance! I danced 'til my feet hurt, drank cosmos and martini's, flirted with the cute Koren bartender, and laughed with my friends.

It felt so good to be surrounded by people who love me unconditionally. But of course the inevitable had to happen: I had to come home, I had to come down from my vodka-induced high, and I had to face the fact the person I had grown to love and cherish was no longer a part of my life.

But, thankfully, I really have not had the time to dwell on it. I've been so busy (did I mention I am in school and have a daughter who needs to be fed and talked to and tutored and helped with high school applications and and that I'm taking yoga classes and putting the finishing touches on my book?)

On Friday I went to my work-study at the yoga center and then attended a parent-teacher meeting at my daughter's school. On Saturday I went to my nephew's birthday party (he's 3 already) and I'm glad I did because little kids are FUNNY!!!

Sunday was church and yoga and Lifetime movies.

Today, though, this Monday, this holiday, this slow day I woke up scared. Would I fall apart? Would I break down and call him? Would I cry all throughout this gray cloudy day? I decided I couldn't and I wouldn't. Instead I decided to clean up my house (which I didn't get a chance to do all weekend) while blasting my music. Ever mindful of my sensitive state, I artfully avoided all sad, sentimental, sappy songs. Instead I chose songs that were upbeat, funky, empowering and a little angst ridden.

I cleaned and danced and it felt so good. I laughed at some of the lyrics and smiled at the fact that everybody, at some point, goes through this. It hurts. It hard. But it's gonna be all right. All I need is the right mindset and the right music! As Gloria Gaynor sings in the classic, timeless, breakup dance song: "I Will Survive"

Here are a few more of my favorites:

Alanis Morisette "You Ought to Know" (The angry woman's anthem)
Patti Smythe "Goodbye to You" (Old school hard rock)
Fran Jolie "Gonna Get Over You" (The Disco diva's declaration)
Destiny's Child "Survivor" (Seroiusly Strengthening)

What about you? What are some of your Relationship Release songs? Please share them with me. I have a feeling I'm gonna need 'em!

TODAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

2008-02-14T07:48:00.000-08:00

Its only February 2008 and already so many things are changing for me, all for the better.
I haven't spoken to many of you in so long because I've been so busy and I am so sorry.
Still you know I love you so here's the update.

I'm in school finally finishing my undergraduate degree.
I started going back to Bikram (yoga, that is.)
I've lost 8 pounds.
I started my own company, Fields of Peace Productions, LLC, a multimedia production company.
I've been invited to participate in a group photography exhibit at Jamaica Cultural Arts Center in April.
I'm putting the finishing touches on the contract for my book "He's Gone' You're Back: The Right Way to Get Over Mr. Wrong".
I broke up with my boyfriend on Friday--emphasis on boy.

Yes so there's a lot going on and when I look at the last two bullet points I can't help but ask myself: Isn't it ironic, don't cha think?

I mean, here I am, having written a book about recovering from a breakup, having finally found a publisher ( the book will be out in 2009 guys and I can't wait for you all to read it! I'm so excited!!) and - ugh!- I'm broken up. What the fuck?!! Opps. I mean , What the freak. (Can one even curse on these blogger thingies? Are the internet police going to come and arrest me ? I hope not because I have a sinking feeling this will not be the first or last expletive I use on this blog but I promise to try.)

Anyway, yes. I saw him on Friday and it was clear to me that it, the relationship, him, me and us was not want I wanted. It just was no longer working. I was tired of being the one holding everything together all by myself. I'm a girl, not glue! So I let go. I'm sure all of my friends know how long overdue it was, but still. Damn! Now what do I do?

Hey! Here's a thought! How about if I take my own advice ( the advice I will be doling out in my forthcoming book)? How about if I accept my decision, stick with my guns, focus on myself, work towards my goals, heal my ailments (physical and emotional) have faith in the future and move the fuck on? (Opps I did it again!)

Sounds like a plan, right? All right. I can do this. I know I can. I've done it before-- pulled myself and my life together after a failed relationship--and can, will, and must do it again. But I can't do it alone. I need you, my people. I need your comments, support, love and encouragement. I need you to invite me to mixers and introduce me to your cute cousins and/or co-workers. I need you to tell me how you've healed from heartache and remind me that I can do it, too.

To be honest though I'm not that crushed. I have been back and forth and up and down with this guy for so long that I actually feel relieved. I probably wouldn't even be obsessing about it except fpr this fact--TODAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY! Everybody's all in love and there's kissing and flowers and diamond rings. I have to laugh at my timing for the breakup-- which I will refer to in the future as my Relationship Release--but hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to love myself today. I'm headed out the door to do some shopping, I'm going to buy myself some flowers,then I'm going to take a yoga class, then I'm gonna go enjoy music and cocktails at a friend's album release party. I think I deserve to dance, don't you?